9:58 AM - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
I can't get enough of strawberry pop.
I had trouble waking up this morning. And my right eye is slightly swollen, as if it still hasn't healed completely from the day the cat attacked it. It doesn't look bad, and I don't look abnormal or anything... but it's kind of puffy.
I went and worked out at the YMCA with my sister, and afterwards I decided to go shopping for my own workout bag. It's a blue metallic color, and I love it. I also went a bit overboard. I had to buy some socks since I don't own any, and I also bought some more outfits to workout in. Afterwards I made it home to watch the girls Olympics on NBC. Nic called while I was watching them, and we had a phone conversation for awhile.
After that, I received a phone call from Cory. I had called him earlier and told him I wouldn't ignore his phone call if he called me up. Yesterday, I was kind of grumpy and moody. Given the fact that I've had my period for the last 10 days (yes, 10 whole freaking days!) who can blame me? Normally I only have my period for three. I've decided to add fruit back into my diet. I'm not cutting sugar out of my diet completely anymore. Not if it means I'm going to suffer from the cramps for 7 more days than normal. Plus, the mood swings.. dear god. It's the one thing that completely sucks about being a woman.
Anyhow, I'm glad he forgave me for my comments, although I honestly didn't mean them to be as harsh as they ended up sounding. I mean, I would be living the same lifestyle still if it weren't for the fact that I don't trust myself when I drink. I envy his ability to have that kind of freedom still. We spoke last night... well, he spoke last night about how I'm settled, or more stable than he is. And while I enjoy being stable and having a place I can call a real home, a part of me can't help but wish I had the freedom he does to just pack up my things and go. Maybe we all just want what we don't have?
He said something to me that stuck with me, and I completely appreciate his words. He said something along the lines of, "You make it sound as if I don't appreciate you." And then he went on to say something like, "I talk to you more than any of my friends offline. I don't know what else to do. The longest we've gone without talking is a week." And that's been over the last 18 months. And he said I was one of his best friends, just as he is one of mine. But I already knew that.. but since I was in one of those moods, I really loved hearing him say it outloud. Okay. So sue me. He could say anything to me anymore and I'd love hearing it. I'm very addicted to his voice. It soothes me. Even when I turn 800 years old and he's 804, I know I'll still be addicted to that voice of his.
You know what scares me? We're so yin and yang, that if we hit it off in person... I just know I'd give everything up for him if he wanted me too.
I had the oddest dream last night. Instead of being in high school, I was in college. I was back at Emporia State with my college friends. Megan was getting married, and she said it would be in one year... on August 4th. And Angie... well, she said she was getting married too. But she was getting married on August 2nd. And Megan was like, "I can't believe she'd try to take the glory out of my wedding day by having hers so close to mine." And then, the next thing I know, we're walking along campus and my cell phone rings. I pick it up and I hear a familiar voice say, "Hi. How are you doing? Miss me?" For a moment I hesitated, and then I was about to say, "Cory?" but then I stopped, knowing full well that this deep older sounding voice didn't belong to Cory. Cory's voice is younger sounding. His voice is more soothing. His voice sounds like a 20 or 30 something year old. This voice always sounded older. This voice always sounded in its late 30s and early 40s. And when it hit who it was, I hung up the phone on them. I walked back across campus towards my dorm room, and stared at my cell phone oddly. And then I woke up. So who was it? Well, it was David.
I know David hates me. I know he's read this journal, and that he's chosen not to speak to me because of Cory, because he's so much more "mature" than I am... because it would never have worked out. He wants a woman who can leave her family behind, who isn't tied down by a home, who doesn't have an ambition of being a whore in bed, who is more intelligent and more beautiful.... whose physically without curves and is ambitious enough to bunjee cord jump, ski, and do death defying events.
You know... people like that... well, I admire them. I really do. But I don't see the point of jumping off a bridge tied to a rope just to prove something to myself. I wouldn't mind learning to ski, but I'm not all that gung-ho over snow and wearing skis. I prefer the warm weather. I get cold so easily. And while I want to travel the world, I'm a bathroom snob. There's no way I could travel to Europe and stay in a place that has an old bathroom full of rust stains, and a bedspread covered in cigarette burns. Or go for more than a day without a shower... This is where my inner snob comes out, the spoiled little brat. And while it's being completely snobbish, I can't help it. I cannot run around the world with dirty hair!!
Anyhow, I think I'll end this entry here. If I have more to ramble on about later, I'll just create another page.
