1:25 PM - Thursday, Feb. 24, 2005
Silently I say a little prayer.
But for the grace of God do I... I must have been born a lucky guy. Heaven only knows how I've been blessed with the gift of your love. I look around and all I see is your happiness embracing me. Oh Lord, I'd be lost.. but for the grace of God.
So, I hope everybody likes my new look. I did that last night about 3 or 4 in the morning. I couldn't sleep. Probably because as soon as I got home at 6:30 PM, I curled up in my bed and zonked out. Strangely, I woke up at 11:05 (in time to watch ATHF, although minus the 'yan man).
I've changed the name of my Diary to something I made up. Instead of stealing the names of book titles from Tom Sandlin, I'm using Scarred With Imperfections from a poem I wrote years ago. The saying sticks out in my mind because it's the line in the poem that a friend of mine from Europe is fascinated with. Everytime I chat with this man, he's using the line in his attitude. If the diary looks funny in anyway or anything, I hope somebody lets me know. That's a hint, btw.
It's a deep poem to me. One that I hold highly significant in my life. I don't have it memorized, but if I remember to do so, I'll find the copy of it and type it up in here. Then perhaps the saying would make more sense.
I was going to adopt two new kittens from an ad in the newspaper, but by the time the person took my call, all the kittens had been adopted. I went over to my grandparent's house last night after work to drop some things off and was able to play for a bit with Mia and Gidget, their two cats. It made me very lonesome for my Ashley. My grandpa kept asking me all sorts of questions about Ashley which really kind of stung my emotions. He didn't mean too. It's because of the heart attack and strokes he's had in the past. They've done some bad things to his short-term memory.
Then, oddly enough, I received a phone call from the Humane's Society this morning. All the way from Riley County (which is where Manhattan (K-State) is). The lady on the phone asked if I had found the cats that I've been looking for and I told her that I haven't. She said that she just got in two cats (litter trained because they've been living in foster care). She wants them to go to a home together because one is the mother and the other is the child. The mother is a year old and the child is 6 months. Talk about the mother having kids early. My god. Anyhow, nobody wanted to adopt them because A.) They want to keep the cats together, B.) the baby cat had ring worm, which the Humane's Society has taken care of. Right now, I'm waiting on an e-mail from the lady that holds the pictures of the two cats. I'm rather excited. I believe that if it's meant to be, I will fall in love with both cats as soon as I see their pictures. We shall see.
Cory called me last night at around 3:30 just as I was working on the look of this page. He assumed I was asleep, but fortunately for him, I was wide awake. That reminds me. I need to e-mail him.
I honestly don't know why, but I am so drawn to him it's uncanny. I really believe he's the only man I've ever been interested in that's stayed a fixture in my life for longer than I can remember.
Casey continues to call, but I've been ignoring his phone calls. I'll call him back sometime. I am just not in the mood to deal with someone's attachment right now. It's not that I don't care about him or that I need to avoid him. It's more that.. well.. when we do talk, he's always down. And if I miss a phone call or don't speak to him as much as he'd like me too, he's constantly leaving me voice messages (or, when he does get a hold of me) saying something like, "You don't like me anymore." And a bunch of other things, too.
Anyhow, I'm not going to feel guilty for taking a time out from speaking to people. I mean, sure.. it's rather rude.. but if you know me and you know me well, you shouldn't take offence to it. And you wouldn't for that matter. It's not that I don't want to keep in touch or speak for long periods of time with people... it's more that I'm just not in the mood to continuously be on the phone when I spend practically all day on the phone at work. And the computer for that matter. Hence the reason why I'm not in the chatroom as often anymore.
Now, I do have to speak to Ryan. We have to watch our ATHF cartoon together. Plus, he makes me laugh - something I don't do often enough. I think, honestly, he's one of the reasons I haven't been so serious lately and highly stressed out. About the only thing that really stressed me out emotionally this year was Ashley's passing, but Ryan bares with me when I'm in the need to remember her or miss her.
Now, I know my other friends could offer me the same support and all, but the majority of my friends are very serious. A lot like me, I have to admit. I'm way too serious for my own good. Now, I love these friends. I love that they are deep thinkers. But sometimes they are so deeply involved with their thoughts that even the little things are thought about too much. And sometimes that gets to me because it makes me think on that deep level where the thoughts just won't go away and give my mind some rest. Right now, I want my mind to be free of worry, free of stress, and most of all full of the things that put me in a better mood.
Of course, if they absolutely need me I'm here for them. They just need to let me know.
Well, anyhow, I have to get back to work. My lunch hour is over. Blah! And my hamburger is stinking cold. And there's still no new e-mail from the humane's society lady!
