Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

12:04 PM - Monday, Mar. 28, 2005
I'll teach you a lesson.
Here I sit on a beautiful Monday afternoon. It is around 70 degrees outside, and I'm sitting inside the office staring outside at the world passing by.

Yesterday was Easter. What did I do for Easter? Well, I went up to my parent's house and had a huge Easter meal. I actually cooked something. I bought, brought, and helped make the green bean casserole. My grandma helped make it, and Brian made sure it was in and out of the oven on time. And once that was done, we all had a grand old time in my parent's backyard riding around on Brian and Angie's four wheeler. oh my gosh! That was a blast. I felt, for the first time in a long time, almost free.

I say almost free for a particular reason. You see, even though I was able to be in complete control of the vehicle - and I never once went flying out of my seat and across the field - there was a part of me that never completely felt free. Sure, the wind blew through my hair and I was out there among nature... but no matter how hard I tried to be one with nature, it was as if my body was holding me back.

Have you ever had that feeling before? Where you want to break free from something, even if you don't know what that something is, only to find that you're trapped by your body to the life you were destined to live?

It's not that I don't want to live this life. Life is pretty content for me right now. Things seem to be working out for the better. I even enjoy my work environment these days. I don't even feel as if I'm trapped in a routine right now. So what is it that is making me feel restless inside?


Last night I lay in bed reading my book when I saw Comet and Haley curled up into each other. Their bodies were shaped into each other as if they were forming a heart. They had their foreheads leaning into each other and their bottom paws touching. The sight of them together like that made my heart melt. And I thought to myself, here are two cats that are completely attached to each other.

I watched them for awhile, my eyes focusing on their stomachs. I had to constantly make sure they were breathing. There are moments when I wonder if there was something wrong with Ashley, or if what caused her to die was something inside the house. And of course, this only makes me wonder if, by chance, these two cats of mine will contact the same thing and die on me as well. I know that it's a fear and only a fear, but for some reason I can't shake the anxiety that these two cats will leave me too. And somehow it's going to be my fault, as if Ashley's death was my fault.

I say to myself that I didn't love her enough. I say to myself that I should have brushed her more. I say I should have played with her more often. All of these things I say to myself, but it doesn't change the fact that Ashley is gone. And while everyone argues that I loved her completely and she led a very immensely happy life, I can't help but play the what if game.


It feels like such a lazy day today. It's one of those days where you want to spend it outside on some lawn furniture while you hear people mowing in the background.


My cousin Darci is moving to Wichita. From what I've heard, her mother Janna is going to be moving down here too. It almost seems as if the entire clan is moving here except for Mary and Andy. Of course, they have to be different. They have to be living in St. Louis. Oh, and Scott.

You know, if it wasn't for my family, I don't think I'd feel as if I have to live here.


Well, that's about it for the day, I guess. I keep drifting off and staring out the window at the weather that I'm missing out on.

 

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!