10:39 AM - Thursday, Apr. 14, 2005
Have we become a habit?
This morning I had a terrible time trying to find my car keys. I looked everywhere! Normally I hang them up by my garage door or leave them in the pocket of the jeans or skirt I wore that day. I looked on the hook. Not there. I looked in the pockets of the hooded sweatshirt and the skirt I wore yesterday. No keys! I checked the bathroom, the kitchen, all the drawers. I even looked under the couches and in the cushions of the chairs. I asked the kitties if they grabbed them in their mouths and carried them off somewhere. They looked at me like I was stupid. I checked my entire car. They ended up being in the side pocket of my purse, which was left in my car last night.
GROWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday on my way home from work I called Cory on the phone. I had just finished talking to Scotty about going out to Boston to visit him for a week in June before he moves to NYC. Cory had mentioned to me that he was going to NYC and then Boston sometime this summer. I thought, hey.. we could totally meet up for dinner or something if we're there at the same time. The reaction that I got to my suggestion was nothing I expected. He didn't sound too thrilled about it at all. And to top that off, he said he'd get a hold of his friend and find out when he'd be out there and he'd call me later that night to fill me in on the details. Did I receive a phone call? NO!
So I called up Ryan on the phone straight after I got off the phone with Cory. After talking about things that have happened in 'yan's life.. I told him about the phone conversation. Of course, Ryan points out some interesting fact. No matter who Cory's going to NYC/Boston with.. the chance to meet up with me should be worth attempting just because it's me. And the more I talk to Ryan, the more I realize that the only thing Cory and I have ever had in common was our sexual compatibility. And now that the sex is gone, we literally have nothing.
Okay. I can't say that. He's trying really hard to build something with me that goes beyond sex. It's just that.. I don't know. I'm such a sexual person that in order for me to have an intimate relationship with somebody, I need to have sex factor into the relationship a lot. I know he's detaching himself from me so that there's less expectation, but with him detaching himself.. I've gotten to the point where I'm afraid I've completely detached myself from him.
I fear that my feelings have changed immensely. It didn't happen just overnight, mind you. It's been taking place over the last couple of months very slowly. And the entire process has confused me. I have depended upon these feelings for him or something because now that they've dissipated I feel at a loss.
Perhaps my feelings have not dissipated. Perhaps I am just going through a phase or a stage where I just don't feel anything inside sex wise. Who really knows? I should let time take care of this dilemma.
Maybe we've become too much of a habit.
Just maybe.
Just updated my blog. My Blog. I really need to get a better picture up. I keep looking at that picture thinking: My god. Look at that hair. Look at how chunky my face was. I'm not smiling. I look like I'm depressed. I am so much prettier than that.
I am so damn hungry. I'm going to go grab something to eat before my stomach goes into aftershock or something.
