10:59 AM - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
Am I merely just dreaming?
I need to work on my Angelfire account. I think I know exactly what I want to do with it now. Once I have it established, I'll link it up to this site so people can go view it if they want.
I haven't talked to Rich or Nic in a long ass time. I miss them.
Erwin mailed me a book!! Yes, I finally got around to stopping by my mailbox. And it's titled, Jessica!!! Is that NOT cool? That is awesome. I'm going to start reading it as soon as I finish the book I've been working on. I can't wait. Thank you SO much Erwin! That was just.. that seriously made me tear up because I was like, "My god. That's so sweet."
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I have so much to do around the house but I keep putting it off. I keep saying, "Ah, you are on vacation. You can do that tomorrow." Or I say, "You can do that later." Which is true. Right now, it's only 11 AM.
I have been so frustrated lately.. and in dire need of a friend. Thank God for Ryan. I think I would have gone insane these last couple of days without him. I talked to Cory on Wed. and Thurs. about what was going on - but I also figured he would at least call me on Friday or Saturday to see if I was doing okay. He didn't.
This leads me to two conclusions. 1) I'm too depenedent upon him, and 2) he doesn't care as much as I would like him too. So what does this mean? It means that 1) I'm not going to be dependent upon him anymore, and 2) I'm considering us "just friends." Not even best friends. Not even sexually desired to one another friends. Why? Because if he were truly a best friend he would have checked up on me. And as for the desire part, I won't go there.
I believe that when a person truly cares about another person they do things for them. And not only that, but when they are going through a rough time, they are there for them. They check up on them. They mail them books with the title being their name. They sign their guestbook. They find ways to make them feel cared about.
I think it's time I began to move on. I've been stuck in one place for way too long. I've become too dependent upon people and situations that I'm almost too scared to move out of this hellish comfort zone. It's time to make a change, seriously. I think going back to school is going to help a lot. And maybe when I get there, I'll make a couple of good friends who live in this city so I'll have people to go out and do things with. And not only that - I'll end up with a Masters and I'll be able to get away from the family business and the family, itself. AND who knows? Maybe I'll meet some terrific guy who will give me the security I seek in a relationship. And we'll travel the world on our vacations. And he'll be comfortable with just lounging on the couch in sweatpants watching movies together while pigging out on mint chocolate chip ice-cream and holding and petting the kitties. And we'll have this lavish wedding that is romantic beyond belief where we write our own vows.. and every morning he sweeps me away again and again as if it were the very first time all over again. And when I'm pregnant, he talks to the belly.. and he thinks I'm absolutely beautiful when I'm swollen up and about to give birth. And when I walk into a room, he knows I'm there because he can sense my presence. And, even if he were to look at beautiful gorgeous women, I'd be the only woman he has eyes for.
Ah, I am so pathetic. Obviously I want a romantic relationship and a family of my own or I wouldn't be rambling on and on about one.
Okay. As of this moment, I am cutting the strings that bind me. It'll be hard due to the attachment I feel, but I need to do it. I need to cut myself away from the family. I need to cut myself away from work. I need to cut myself away from Cory. But most of all, I need to reach out beyond my comfort zone and make a new life for myself. And for awhile I'll still have work to deal with since I'll be in school... and the family will be in my life forever... but I need to break away from it all. I hope this makes sense. I'm kind of just rambling here.
I need to go take a shower now. I'm tired of thinking about these things.
Hey.. I just thought of something. I think too much. And therefore I need to stop my thinking!
