10:59 AM - Monday, Jul. 25, 2005
Timing is everything.
I imagine myself standing in the middle of a busy street with traffic zooming past me in a million directions. Everything is moving, but I'm standing frozen among all this chaos. I am the only one who is as still as stone.
"You've burned all your bridges here," He says... as if I'm the sole reason there are problems existing here and the others aren't at fault.
It's all my fault. It's always my fault. Is that what He wants to hear?
All I want is the same privileges as everybody else. All I want is the same respect. All I want is personal freedom. Is that too much to ask for?
This is extremely hard for me to say, but I feel as if we've come to a standstill in our relationship. And sometimes I wonder....
Considering the factors involved....
Yes, I know the factors involved play a great deal in this. I also understand that you're busy and that our schedules completely conflict, but I can't do this anymore. I can't have my emotions being bounced back and forth like a ping pong ball.
So what are you suggesting?
I don't know what I'm suggesting.
It sounds to me like you're suggesting we never speak anymore.
I'm not suggesting that.
Good, because I don't want that to happen.
I don't want that to happen either. What I'm saying is... I can't sit around wondering... waiting... I've lost faith in this relationship because I feel you've become unreliable. And I can't do this anymore.
What?
Have you heard anything I've said at all?
I heard you. And I completely understand your feelings. I've just been going through a lot right now.
Like what?
Nothing.
Okay.
I'll tell you when the time is right.
Am I going to want to hear this?
I don't know. I'll just tell you when the time is right.
Am I going to hate hearing what you have to say?
No! It has nothing to do with a relationship with somebody else. It's just something I'm going through right now that's personal. I'm acting withdrawn from everybody right now so don't take it personally. Look, I'll just call you in a couple of days.
No. How about this... If you need me, if you decide you miss me... you know how to reach me. But don't call me otherwise. I'll call you first. It may not be for awhile. I don't know.
You know I love you, don't you?
Do you?
I can't believe you have to question that! Maybe our friendship isn't what it should be if you have to question it.
I'm not questioning it. I think I just have this huge fear of being abandoned. Anyway, I asked that because I wanted to hear you say it again. Not because I was questioning it. And there IS a difference.
.......
You know I love you, don't you?
.......
Well, I do. That's why this hurts me so much to say. Anyhow... You know how to reach me if you need me.
The same to you, too.
I know.
I love you, Jessica.
I love you, Cory.
Goodnight, Jessica.
Goodnight, Cory.
Bye.
Bye.
