2:33 PM - Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005
Feeling all out of my element....
I'm in a bitchy mood, which is my God given right seeing that I'm a female and all. I've been in a bitchy mood all day today. In fact, last night I spent a good portion of the evening bitching my heart out to Ryan. The cool thing is he actually let me. And he didn't get exasperated with my negative ramblings. He didn't take too kindly to my comments about male castration though, but then what guy would?
Dr. Freud would probably tell me that I have penis envy. Penis envy? Why would I want to give up my vagina for a penis? Hell no. I don't think so. I may have no sex drive where men are concerned but it doesn't make me homosexual, and it definitely doesn't make me a transvestite wannabe. No offense to homosexuals and transvestites. I'm just not meant to be a lesbian.
I've decided that I have this wrong with me:
Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder.This disorder may be present when a person has decreased sexual fantasies and a decreased or absent desire for sexual activity. In order to be considered a sexual disorder the decreased desire must cause a problem for the individual. In this situation the person usually does not initiate sexual activity and may be slow to respond to his/her partner's sexual advances. This disorder can be present in adolescents and can persist throughout a person's life. Many times, however, the lowered sexual desire occurs during adulthood, often times following a period of stress.
The more I work in a male dominated field, the more I hate the workforce, and the more I hate men. I shouldn't blame everything on the male gender though. I mean, the majority of my friends are male. That should count for something, right? And it's not like I'm particularly fond of females, either. They tend to bitch too much - just like what I'm doing right here.
I am becoming an old and bitter woman and I haven't even hit 30. Life is mad I told Ryan I was counting down the years until I die. I'm going to die when I'm 86.5 years old so that means I have 59 fucking years left. Fifty-nine years! And during those 59 years, I have to watch my body fail me.
I don't want to grow old. I don't want to end up with dentures, arthritis, cancer, or any other kind of disease. I don't want to go gray and have to start coloring my hair. I don't want to get wrinkles. I don't want to fall down and break a hip from osteoperosis. I don't want to have to look at past pictures of myself and then see the old lady in me in the mirror.
I also told Ryan that it would just be a lot simpler if my mind would just go mentally insane and somebody had to throw me away into an insane asylum. He told me that wouldn't be such an ideal life because I'd spend the days with piss all over myself. I told him, "It wouldn't matter. I'd be insane. I wouldn't know that I've pissed myself." Some people just don't understand!
Here. Let me play the victim for a moment. I feel like throwing a pity party. It's not like I'd be missed anyhow if I ended up in an insane asylum. In fact, I think the majority of the human population that surrounds my daily life would benefit from this. It's not like I'm a cheerful person and well liked or even loved by many.
Ah, I don't do well throwing a pity party. I'm already sick of what I'm saying. Maybe it's just THIS place I need to escape from. Maybe it's just THESE people I need to get free of. I don't know!
Sometimes I think it would be nice to take a long hot bath and slide myself deep underneath the bath water with my eyes wide open. Then I could stare up at the world that's going on above water and imagine what it would be like to live away from it. I already have a distorted view of the world so why can't I have a distorted view of it for a good reason?
Anyhow, I'm not feeling too hot. I think this heat is getting to me. I'm going to cut out early and go home. My eyes feel like they're ready to pop out of my eye sockets - and I think that's causing my headache. To hell with this weather.. and to hell with allergies.
I'm going home.
