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1:58 AM - Saturday, Sept. 10, 2005
My name will be famous one day.
Sore. Tired. Mentally drained.

I took my first Globalization test yesterday. I don't know what I got on it. The teacher hasn't posted up our grades on blackboard yet. I do have a good feeling that I either missed one answer or received a 100% on it. I just KNOW deep down I'm staring at an A.

Monday I have a test in Gender and then Friday there's a test in Family Diversity. I'm breaking a pencil that I get an A on these two tests, as well. If only I had taken school this seriously the first time around... then maybe I wouldn't be working on increasing my grade point average. Instead, I'd be going after my masters. Better late than never, though. Right?


Because my dad scared me into thinking I've gained some extra pounds... my mother and I have joined Curves. We went today for the first time, and even though we only worked the machines for 30 minutes, my thigh and arm muscles are sore. Either I let myself get out of shape or I worked out hard. I've also decided to change my eating habits. Instead of starving myself, I'm going to eat nothing but fruits, salads, and my Special K cereal.. and I'm going to drink nothing but water. No more fast food. So while the fast food industry guys may miss me, and I'll definitely miss being hit on by them... I have to do this. I'm not doing this for anybody... not my dad or my future husband. I'm doing it for myself.


I've made some friends at school that seem really nice... Johnna, Matt and Tu. All of them are so young, though. Well, except Matt. He's more my age. He's 25. Cute, too. He sits behind me in Gender. Right now he's a Chem major, but he doesn't particularly like it... so he's thinking about switching over to law. Johnna and Tu are both Sociology majors. Johnna's 22 and Tu is 20. All three of them thought that I was 18 or 19. Looking young is having it's advantages, let me tell you.


Good news money wise. Esther thinks I'm the luckiest person she knows. I don't know. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe I'm not. Maybe this is God's way of saying, "sorry for all the shit you went through. Here. Have a break." Or maybe He's not. I don't know. Anyhow, my dad promised to pay my house payments for the semester. That puts some money back into my pocket so I can pay my other bills and eat. Oh, and feed the cats. Can't forget to take care of my kitties. If I can't provide for them, whose to say what kind of mother I'm going to make for my future children? And I do plan on having children. Maybe not 6 like I wanted back in junior high, but I definitely want at least 4.


I used to think the father of my children was going to be Cory.. Like a blind fool I let myself be swallowed up into these false expectations and hopes. But now I know better. I haven't spoken to him since Monday, and even then we barely said anything. Well, we argued. About why he was mad at me. Nothing more. Nothing less. When we ended the phone call, he was the one in control again. Promising to call. Saying he would later this week. I felt out of control again instantly, as if everything has always had to fit on his schedule and according to his plans. Well, I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of wondering when and if he'll call, being disappointed when he doesn't...

I have been doing so good lately. But then I've had a lot of things preoccupying my time and thoughts, too. But tonight, for some odd reason, I think to myself.. why do you let him get to you like that? Maybe this friendship has gone full circle and the two of you do need to call it quits before you end up hating each other? Maybe you're holding on to what he'd call a pipe dream? I mean, the more time that goes by without speaking to him, the less I feel inside. Well, I do feel a sense of loss that I think will take time getting over... but I'm not the type of person you can speak to one day and come back to three weeks later and expect me to have the same feelings and emotions. You have to put forth some sort of effort, but that's just my opinion. That's just how I operate.

No phone call once again. No hope of receiving one anytime soon. I imagine invisible strings linking us to one another, and with every day that passes without some form of communication, one of the strings breaks and we become less connected. One day, I wonder if we'll be connected to each other at all.

 

 

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