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12:50 AM - Wednesday, Sept. 15, 2004
Mood swings baby... mood swings.
I can't seem to fall asleep. I have a lot going through my mind right now. It's things I shouldn't have to be thinking about but for some reason my mind has decided to dwell on them.

The first thing that I can't seem to shake is how the new office building isn't going to have an elevator. In fact, the men have decided to put in an outside ramp that goes down into the basement instead. Where is the sense in that? What happens when deliveries are made in the winter and the ramp is covered in snow or ice? And what about when the people need to bring one of those heavy objects upstairs where the object will be used? What then? I assume they'll demand I drag it up the J shaped stairs. Sure. Let me lift a 50 lb box of paper. I'll love that! I could go on and on, but I'll end my complaints about the new building there. (I just think some men are stubborn and foolish, and should listen to a woman's advice more often.)

My second thought is about the accident I almost got in yesterday after work. I didn't get off work until 6 PM, mainly because I was left ALONE to stuff 1800 checks all day, post them and mail them off to the fucking recipients who keep calling me all damn day demanding to know why their checks haven't arrived in the mail yet. By the time the 50th person called, I wanted to scream, "If you want your check faster, then quit fucking calling me and interrupting me from folding and enveloping and sealing and mailing the damn thing." I wouldn't mind doing it. Honest. I just hate the fact that I'm forced to put my other work aside to do it when the accounting department sits around and bullshits about sports or the weather, or gossips rudely. It's like, they could do some of the checks while they bullshit, we'd get them out the door faster, and I wouldn't stress out and go postal every month. Anyhow, back to the accident.... or the almost accident, really. I made it onto the highway and the lane I needed to be in was backed up. I moved into the lane thinking, "Great! Now the deposits won't get into the bank on time and I'll be screamed at for not putting them in there on time so they could add interest to the fucking account, and the mail will be delivered even later." In the meantime, a stupid dumbshit in some cheap jeep like car is barreling down the highway not paying attention to the fact that traffic has come to a complete stop - and I'm the last person in the lane - so they slam on their breaks and end up in the other lane after almost smashing their vehicle into the rear of my car. It never phased me, though.. which is odd. I heard the squealing of tires. I watched the car careen off the road. And all that I thought was, "Wow. He almost hit me." And that was it. Normally a person's heart would be thumping. Right? Mine wasn't. It's why I completely forgot all about the incident until just now.

So what else is new? I got a new pair of glasses today. I spent the entire afternoon at the optometrist's office trying on new frames. My eyesight is 20/15, 20/20 but because of my stigmatisms, I need them for when I work long hours on the computer.

I still haven't made the deposits from Monday... and I didn't make the deposits from Tuesday either. Sure, I'm probably cruising for a bruising or something similar... or I'm subconsciously attempting to get myself fired... but I'm sick and tired of stressing out over them. I'm sick and tired of being screamed at to get them into the bank before 6 PM. I'm sick and tired of having to put my other work aside so that I can do their bidding. I'm sick and tired of answering the phones and dealing with people who interrupt me from my concentration. I told my dad today... I said, "I looked up the job description of a receptionist and it seems to me I do a lot more work than most receptionists do. And yet, I'm getting paid a lot less." (Ryan and I discussed this on the phone while I was stuffing checks. I called him at 4:00 and got off the phone with him about 5:30 (that's how long it took me to stuff the letters W-Z). His response? "Get back to work." My response, "In the future, don't ever refer to me as just the receptionist, because I'm not just the receptionist." His response? "What brought on a statement like that?" My response? "The fact that I'm always told that's all I am. If it's not the receptionist it's a bookeeper. And I'm sick and tired of it when I do a hell of a lot more than keep books and answer the damn phones." Then I walked out of the office.

I've noticed I'm not very happy when I'm in that environment. The minute I left to go to my eye doctor's, it was like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I was all smiles and giggles when I was having my exam done. I was social and outgoing and cheerful. My eye doctor kept telling me what a beautiful smile I had, and she insisted I must be a great receptionist with such a warm inviting face. While I was trying on glasses and smiling into the mirror, my mom said... "don't smile while you try those on. You're going to be wearing them at work and you never smile at work." SO that's when it hit me that I'm a bitch at work. I'm a bitch at work because I'm not happy. I'm not happy because I'm treated like I'm a child, an idiot, a peon, a gopher, and I don't have any fucking windows to view the outside world so I'm trapped in an area all day with not enough light to keep even a chimpanzee happy!!!!!!!!! and that's all I am to these people. A chimpanzee.

The only plus side is that Diane is gone from the office until the 27th and the office members (except for the other peon) have been throwing parties. The mood around the place has been a lot more relaxed and people are a lot nicer to each other. It's like having a knife twisting inside your stomach every weekday all year... and then removing it. The only thing disappointing about the whole thing is that you know eventually the knife will be returned to the open wound so it can go back to grinding the hell out of you.

Would it be wrong of me to wish death upon her while she's on vacation? You know, have some kind of hope that she ends up in a car accident or boating accident... or even crashes in a plane wreck? Should I be knocking on wood for even thinking these thoughts? Okay. I take it back. What I mean is... I hope she gets struck by a car and ends up with amnesia and therefore can't perform her job because she remembers nothing at all!

I am an evil evil evil evil person.

An evil person who is clueless... who has no idea what to do with her life, which direction to take it in.. what to take an interest in... how to go about changing these things that are slowly killing her everyday. Do I talk about myself in the third person a lot? My god. I need to stop doing that.

Not only that but I'm such a bitch these days. I even snapped at Brian today when he asked me what I was doing. I said, "what does it look like I'm doing?" He said, "Work. So what are you doing?" And I said, "Since when was my work important enough to take notice of?" Then I went back to doing my work, ignoring him completely.

On the plus side, Cory's been calling me a lot. I just wish that he were here or I was there... even if it's just to sit beside each other on a couch in silence.

Well, I've had enough with complaining for the day... and it sounds like a storm is brewing outside... so I'll just sign off here and pray I can finally fall asleep.

 

 

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