1:48 PM - Saturday, Sept. 24, 2005
Jessie, paint your picture about how it's gonna be.
Oh my god. Did I ever get drunk last night. Worse than last week, even. The moment I got home I called Casey. Why did I call Casey? I don't know! And then he sang to me. He sang "Your body is a wonderland" and played his guitar... and I melted. Literally. A few years ago he used to play his guitar and sing for me all the time, and I have to admit it was one of the things that made me fall in love with him. We talked for awhile.. about "Islands in the Stream" and how that was one of our songs. We even talked about The Sims 2 and the new expansion pack that just came out. He and I have always bonded over The Sims. We used to play The Sims Online together. And he said, "I love you." And I said, "I love you!" And then we got seriously intimate with each other. And it's like.. what am I doing? But I couldn't stop myself. I was DRUNK. I even called him back after hanging up the phone with him to tell him goodnight twice. I was like, "Hi. It's just me again. I just wanted to say goodnight to you." And he laughed the way I love to make men laugh.
And then my head was spinning again... and I called Cory back... and I know he's going through a rough time right now but he was snappy with me at first. And then he was nice again.. the way I like Cory. I like the Cory whose voice gets softer when he speaks to me... It's the Cory I haven't heard in a long time but he came back to me for only a moment last night. A moment I'll cherish, of course.
And then I finally fell into a deep sleep. I don't even remember dreaming. I slept THAT hard. I didn't wake up at all. Not one moment. No restlessness to speak of.. no anxiousness... I should get drunk more often. Maybe that would cure my nights of tossing and turning. I could really become addicted to this wine drinking. I mean, last night I was drinking this red wine and my glass would be full.. all the way up to the brim almost. (except for that glass full I spilled all over the marble table).. and instead of saying, "okay, that's enough." my mind was saying.. "give me more. give me more." And my mouth would water and I'd taste the liquid on the sides of my tongue... just aching to satisfy this craving of having some kind of liquid pour down my mouth. I finally quit but only after I couldn't see straight enough to lift the glass up to my lips. It didn't stop the craving or need to drink, though.
When I woke up this afternoon, one of my Wendy's cups I meant to throw away had been dragged and attacked by Comet.. and the watery pop had spilled all across the island and down onto the floor. I said, "Oh Comet! Why did you do that?" And so I spent my first half-hour of trying to wake up cleaning up this mess.
And now... well, now I'm fighting the temptation to go buy my own bottle of wine and abuse myself silly. If I had a partner, I'd use sex to replace my need for the alcohol.
Ah... what in the world is happening to me?
