12:25 PM - Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005
Baby come to me....
Yesterday was an extremely odd day for me. I had a sexual epiphany. When I tried to explain it to Cory on the phone early this morning, he said it's because I'm back in school that I'm feeling this sexual. It makes sense. I think it's due to a number of things. I'm back in school. I'm exercising more often. I'm almost two years shy of turning 30!
I don't care what any MAN says. When a woman approaches thirty she feels her old maid status approaching if she's not in a relationship or married. It's completely different for men. It always has been. Men have always been allowed to be bachelors past their thirties. Now, don't get me wrong. Time may be changing and the stigmatism towards unmarried women may not be as terrible as it used to be... but given the fact that I live in the midwest, that I live in a state that is years behind more urbanized areas, I'm still exposed to an environment that sees unmarried women as old maids.
Even my parents will make a random comment here or there. "Oh, dear God. You're on your way to becoming the cat lady..." "Don't you think you should start dating?" I still remember the comment my niece made to me a year or two ago, "When are you going to get married? I want some cousins." Talk about bullying me into a situation.
It's not that I don't want to fall in love. It's not that I don't want to have children someday. Sometimes I just don't think I'm ready for all of it. Maybe nobody is. Maybe it just happens and they suddenly wake up and find themselves looking into a mirror at an adult. When I look into a mirror I beat myself up. I say to myself, "when are you going to grow up?" Here I am, almost a week shy of turning 28, and mentally I still feel like I'm an 18 year old. I still depend too much on my parents for all sorts of things that many people my age tend to be able to take care of themselves.
I don't think it will ever change overnight. I don't know if I'll wake up one day and realize I'm a woman, or always see myself as a woman-child. I don't know if I'll ever find happiness in a career, if I'll ever marry, if I'll ever have the three to four children I'd like to have someday. I just don't know!
I've decided to end my entries with a little poem when I'm typing these things up at home. Here's today's poetry corner entry. I wrote this one when I was twenty-one. I call it Found.
I found Myself a baby, a newborn brought to life,
Whose innocence spoke volumes to a husband and a wife.
I found Myself a child without a worry in the world,
A shy and timid little one, a quiet happy girl.
I found Myself in-between a woman and a child,
Feeling lost among the teens whose actions tainted wild.
I found Myself a young adult, a child gone astray,
Who questioned almost everything that stood in her path's way.
I found Myself at twenty-one, asking questions I've asked one's self,
And the only answer I could give is I have not found Myself.
