5:22 PM - Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2005
Keep the candle burning?
I am finally done with my paper. Thank God! Now, all I have left to do is prepare for my Gender test. All this work and no time for play....
Yesterday I helped my aunt move into her new apartment. I'm extremely sore today. I think it's because I didn't stretch after I got done with my workout at Curves. Last night was a bit funny. I felt all achey and couldn't even climb out of bed properly to use the restroom.
I was busy reading my People magazine for last week when a friend, who shall remain nameless for posterity's sake, called me up in the middle of the night. We didn't get off the phone until at least 4:30 AM. That's why, when John called me this morning and woke me up to start my day, I was dead tired to the world. Even my sheets were strewn all over the bed, proof that I had trouble sleeping last night.
I have to admit I got a little bit angry. I was, in some small way, compared to a 19 year old girl. Here's the difference. I'm not 19. I'm 27, one day shy of 28. HOLY SHIT! My birthday's tomorrow!! I completely forgot. Anyhow, I'm a woman. She's at the age where she's stuck between being a child and a woman. She's a woman-child. She'll be in that stage for another 2 years. And then.. on top of that.. my overall relationship with this man was compared to his relationship with this woman-child. I shouldn't even be placed in the same category. Not to sound conceited but I'm ten times better than this woman-child. And let's get this straight, had I been 31 and in lust after a 19 year old, I would never have pursued the relationship. That, to me, is personally disgusting. It's almost borderline child molestation *much like the relationship between Hillary Duff and that singer rocker guy she's currently dating*. His attack back at me was, \"you dated older men when you were that age.\" Let me clear my throat here, I dated men no more than five years older than me, and the majority of them were roughly only a year older. BIG DIFFERENCE!!! HUGE DIFFERENCE!!! If I had a 19 year old daughter actively pursuing a sexual relationship with a 31 year old man, I'd have my husband pull out his shot-gun.
I'm seriously at a point where I don't care anymore. I mean, yeah.. I'll always care about this guy and he'll always be a friend of mine, but fucking hell.... this situation he has himself in is absolutely disgusting. I don't agree with it at all.
That's one reason why I've moved on emotionally. I'm not going to end up with somebody who 1) compares me to a child, 2) has hurt me over and over time and again, 3) who sometimes (even if he may not notice it) plays stupid ass mind games with me, the kind I gave up playing 7 years ago, 4) who can't see that he just lost himself one hell of a woman so he can have a physically disgusting relationship with a mere child, and 5) I just deserve better than all of this.
What does he expect from me? Does he enjoy thinking that he's hurting me? Does he want to make somebody feel as much emotional pain as he's going through? I asked John for his personal opinion to get a man's perspective, and he says the guy wants me to validate his emotions and actions. Like hell I'm going to do that. He started the fire and he licked up the flames.
You know what? This piece of wood is no longer burning in that campfire. And I just hope that one day he realizes what a precious thing he just lost.
