12:45 PM - Tuesday, Nov. 01, 2005
I know what I want.
I love my cat Comet, but her addiction to the bathtub is starting to annoy the hell out of me. Anytime I walk NEAR the guest bathroom, Comet takes a flying leap into the tub and waits for me to turn the water on. She has also taken to waking me up early in the morning (5 AM, 6 AM, etc. etc.) just to get me to satisfy her bathing cravings. Maybe I should start filling the tub with water and leave it there for a couple of days. See how she likes that.
I so hate being woken up in the morning hours. Especially on my days off! Which has led me to come to a conclusion about something in my life. We've been doing a lot of studying and research in my Gender and Family Diversity classes that have helped me come to this conclusion about myself. Now, when I type this I know I'm going to upset some people. That is why I haven't spoken about it much, but now is the time to just say it and get it over with.
I've been debating this issue for months now, struggling internally over whether or not this is what I really want out of life. It's as if I've been trying to convince myself it's not what I want just because it's not what the majority of society wants.
As some of you know, I was sexually assaulted. And some of you also know that what I want to do with my life is work with victims of sexual assault. I want to help them out, to show them that there is a life that can be lived after the abuse. Because of my decision, I've been dealing with my own sexual past. I've found that I still have my own issues to deal with, too. I'm trying to deal with them as I prepare myself to help other victims.
Over the last year, I have tried hard to have normal sexual relationships with men, and have even attempted to find a man who could wait for sex. I don't have much of a sex drive, and to be completely honest with you, I really could care less if my sex drive never returns. I have tried hard to 'please' the men in my life, but the more I do that the less I feel like myself.
Where is all of this leading? Well, the point is, I can't be in a relationship right now. I want to be friends with everyone, but I can't be intimately involved with them. I've had discussions with my professors about this, and the more I speak to them about it the more I realize that what I want right now in my life is to be single. I don't want marriage. I don't want kids. I tell myself I want these things someday, but let's face the facts here. I've been lying to myself. I don't want that. Just because it's expected of me doesn't mean I have to push myself into expecting it of myself.
This is the hardest entry I have had to write to date because it finalizes so much about my life. I hate to say it, but the idea of a relationship scares me. It literally makes me feel trapped. People argue with me that if I found the right guy I wouldn't feel that way about it, but what they don't get is that I don't see myself married in ten years. I don't see myself married in twenty, either. When I die, I see myself leaving my fortune to my nieces and nephews. People who aim to be married and have children don't see their futures in such a light... that I know of. They dream of being in a relationship and having children someday. I dream of making a difference, earning a lot of money and travelling the world.
I don't know how people in my life are going to take this information. I just hope they respect my decision, decide to remain friends with me, understand where I'm coming from, and support me.
Anyhow, I need a break from the world for awhile. I'll contact everyone when I'm ready to be around people again.
