3:33 PM - Friday, Dec. 02, 2005
You're just a dirty dirty rockstar...
Tomorrow is Davy's birthday. Happy Birthday Davy! Not sure if I'll be on the computer tomorrow at all, so I'm wishing you a Happy Birthday one day early.
My sister, mother and I are going to some class to learn how to make Christmas stuff. Oh joy of joys! I'm not even in the Christmas mood. I think the season is way too commercialized, and that the entire holiday has lost it's true and complete meaning. So let me tell you this. Bah Humbug!
My friend Jeremy called me out of the blue last night. I was in that mood where you're feeling down but you don't quite know why. Maybe it's because I have my monthly visitor. Maybe it's because I have a million things to do before Monday. Maybe it's because I'm behind at work and overwhelmed. Maybe it's because my garage is full of stuff that's not my own. Maybe it's because my appliances are falling apart. Or maybe... just maybe... it's because one man (out of god knows how many) has rejected me.
I'm not used to rejection. I'm used to men wanting me. I'm used to men complimenting me. I'm used to men trying to get down my pants. So why in the hell would ONE rejection bother me so much?
Anyhow, to get back to the point.. with all those maybes... I wasn't sure why I felt slightly depressed. And then Jeremy calls me out of the blue and wham! My day perks up. Just hearing his voice made the night ten times better.
I think I have to be loved. I don't think I want to do any loving... I just want the world to love me. I bet that's why I've always wanted to be a socialite/porn star. Because, even if half the world hates you, the other half loves you.
It's probably why I have such a low self-image of myself. I compare myself to Hollywood's most famous and infamous women. For some reason, I keep thinking that's what I have to look like. If I keep holding myself up against that standard, I'm doomed to fail every single time.
Maybe I just need to get laid.
