3:01 AM - Wednesday, Jan. 11, 2006
Let me sleep....
I can't sleep. And it's not from a lack of trying. I've tried. All I managed to do was toss and turn, bunch up the pillows over and over again, and then flop around under the covers some more.
I have a million things running through my mind right now. I'm out of milk again. I'm almost out of toilet paper. Just great! I read through the entire book in one night again. Why can't I fall asleep? Oh, how cute! Haley and Comet look so adorable. Should I be going back to school? What will I do with a Masters in Sociology? Am I up for the challenge? Do I have what it takes? How are my grandparents doing? 1...2...3...4... I need something to fill up time. This sleep thing is getting old. What do I want to do with my life?
And the thoughts just won't stop! And I think about how they aren't negative thoughts. They aren't pessimistic. They aren't full of sorrow or depression. And I wonder silently to myself, \"whatever happened to that girl I was so familiar with being?\" It's almost like she's disappeared. And yet, I know that's not the truth either because I can still feel her inside of me sometimes. The truth is that she's changed. Yet, I never noticed the change because it happened so slowly. Not that I'm complaining. I'm glad I've changed. I just... I don't know. I wonder about the strangest things sometimes. I feel that girl peeking out when I feel apprehensive. Sometimes an anxiety attack threatens to explode inside of me, but oddly it goes away almost as fast as it begins. I can feel the beating of my heart increase, the overwhelming strokes per minute that send shock waves through my entire body... but just as they're about to embark on an adventure, something stops it from happening. I don't know if it's my medication or just my new outlook on life. I just know that something's different.
Sometimes I ask myself, \"Is this what normal feels like?\" As if growing up I was never normal.. I know I've always said I felt like I was in a cloud just floating aimlessly about because it's true. And now it's like life is a clear picture of everything around me... and I often watch people and wonder if they've always seen life with such clarity - or if normal is being wrapped up in a fog of your own reality. I doubt I'll ever know the answers to that question, because I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully understand life from anyone's viewpoint but my own.
There are so many things that I would love to ramble on about... so many issues that are happening around the world. There are so many opinions, thoughts and ideas I have on all sorts of topics... but I can't seem to put all my thoughts together. I can't focus. I can't keep my mind on one subject without jumping from one random topic to the next. I just can't do it. I don't know why! It's like the world is spinning far too fast, my mind is on overload, and even my fast typing can't keep up with the constant change in what I'd love to say. Or maybe I'm afraid that if I jump into a ramble about religion or politics or sex... or, for that matter, the concept of cheese... I'll be cheating some aspect of the topic by leaving so many important details out. I'll only have the energy and mental capacity to cover 1/4 of what I think about the entire issue. And that wouldn't be right.
Yet, I miss it. I miss the feeling that comes over me when I dig deep within myself and just pour my thoughts out. In other words, I miss the almost orgasmic feeling that seeps through my body after I've finished writing something that's taken a toll out of me. I wish I could find it again. I wish I could hold onto that feeling and embrace it because I hate letting it go.
I wish I could think THAT deep again.
I wish I could come up with a list of things I actually want to experience and do, and not just randomly select things that sound like fun. Perhaps that will be my project later today.
Perhaps... but for now... it's time to try and sleep again.
\"Let me sleep.. for when I sleep I dream that you are here... you're mine.. and all my fears are left behind.\"
