10:02 PM - Tuesday, Jan. 31, 2006
I'm not that person anymore.
Well, I sold my car. It's going to belong to my Aunt now. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm glad it's going to her and not some random stranger who I don't know. It's just that... I have an attachment to the thing. I don't know why. It's just a car, right? But still... I need the money, but I have loved that car.
I don't feel good today. I'm cramping like hell, my head hurts, and no matter how much mydol I pop, it won't go away!!!!! Needless to say, I was not my usual talky-talky self in my classes today. That doesn't mean I didn't participate. I just didn't participate as much.
Casey called me at work yesterday and started to tell me that he's basically done with me because I won't take his calls. He says he's tried as hard as he can, but it's just not working out because I'm not putting forth any effort. He asked me if it's because of what happened between us "last time." I couldn't actually respond to him while at work, but basically it was the same old crap. "Don't you love me?" Etc. etc. Well, sorry.. but I don't want that kind of man as a friend or a lover. It bugs the hell out of me that he can't trust the fact that I'm just busy with school, work, and all that other shit I have to do right now.
Anyhow, I was in class today and we went over what characteristics we want in an ideal mate. I was noticing that when I was with Michael, he was very controlling and emotionally abusive. He became one big reason why I became extremely passive. He used to tell me that he was going to commit suicide if I ever left him. Looking back on that now, I see more signs pointing towards emotional abuse. He never wanted me to speak to my friends. He wanted me all to himself. And when I didn't do as he wished, he would verbally assault me with putdowns and other forms of verbal abuse. I'm just glad I was able to get out of that relationship before it became physically abusive - even though it took something like the rape to get me to open up my eyes.
I also think that sometimes my friendship with Cory is abusive. While he may not think so, I do. Perhaps it's better to say that it's been disrespectful moreso than abusive. However, one can see severe disrespect as a mild form of abuse.
Now, I care about Cory, but as we were going over the list of emotional abuse signs... I couldn't help but find some emotional abuse characteristics pointing towards him. Perhaps the biggest one was his threatening to constantly end the friendship because things weren't going his way. He wants to be the one in control almost 100% of the time. Our conversations always end up mostly about him. He has to be the one to call because if you call him, he won't answer. It's his time or no time. And while he has improved on these, they still are evident in his persona.
He has apologized to me numerous times for comparing me to the 19 year old. While I'm glad he's apologized for that, it wasn't the main reason why I was mad at him for dating this girl. Whenever he apologizes for it, I often want to tell him that it's not just about the comparison that was done. It's the disrespect that was shown to me when toying with my emotions. It's a disrespect to compare me to a kid when I am a woman, but it's more disrespectful to me when playing with my heart. I'm not the only woman he's done this too. The false hopes and broken promises... the lies told...
My friends often ask me why I remain his friend when he has done so much to hurt me. I'm not sure why I have remained his friend, but I do know that what I feel for him has changed completely. I care because I'm a caring person... but he is no longer a huge part of my life anymore.
I no longer call him to tell him about my problems. I have Ryan for that. I did call him to tell him about Lee (a serious loss, I must tell you), but he told me he'd call me back after he was done going out with his friends. When he did call me back, I was already feeling better because I had spoken to Ryan about everything. However, the conversation turned towards him again and his relationship with the 19 year old. I used to be of the mindset that I would do anything and give up anything for him. Not anymore.
I feel like I have grown. I told Cory the other night that I felt like I was in a fog and now I'm out of it. In other words, I felt surrounded by fog and now it's lifted. I will no longer allow myself to be disrespected. I won't. I won't because I'm not "that" person anymore. :-)
Random Fact About Jessica: I hate buttered popcorn.
