10:11 AM - Tuesday, Sept. 28, 2004
down this road that I must travel...
Well, we celebrated Megan's birthday yesterday. It was quite the little shin-dig. It was going to be held at Angie and Brian's house, but strangely, all their toilets and bathtubs started to overflow anytime somebody flushed the toilet. Turns out the little nephew Joe threw big river rocks down the big black pipe thingy and they ended up in the main line... and wala. They're experiencing a severe sewage problem. The party was moved to Joe and Diane's house (Brian's parents). However, Brian didn't get to attend because he was stuck at his house waiting on the plumber people to arrive. It turned out okay, though. We all had a really good time. Big Joe cooked hotdogs and hamburgers, and Megan looked extremely cute opening up her presents. We all sat around talking until 8:30 PM.
Jenny brought along a car she wanted to buy.. a Jeep Liberty. She decided to go ahead and get it. It was everything she's wanted.. a Liberty, blue in color, had a CD player, and a sunroof. It was a beautiful car. Made me want to get a new one, but then I keep thinking... "Can I afford the payments right now? Do you really need to get rid of your car? It only has 62,000 miles on it." I guess I'll wait. I do enjoy my car. It's pretty speedy.
I'm in a rather perky mood considering the lack of sleep I had last night. Of course, I woke up at around 8:30, the time I'm supposed to be at work. And I felt like I was going to throw-up all morning (2 AM, 3 AM, 5 AM, 9 AM and currently). It took all my willpower to fight the temptation to gag to death.
I think that I think very odd things late at night. I tend to think as if I'm writing all my thoughts down in here. It's like I'm in a movie, and the audience can hear my thoughts as if I was speaking them outloud. Some of my thoughts I wouldn't mind being heard... but there are some that are just too dark to share.
I thought about the dark side of the moon last night. Not the Pink Floyd version, mind you... just the concept of the dark side of the moon and what it possibly represents. There's the obvious: good vs. evil. Then there's the possibility that it is meant to represent the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyder in all of us. Or, it could just be the dark side of the moon. Then, as I was thinking about that... I was thinking about what it would be like to be a high school English teacher or a professor of English at some random university... would I have the students write a paper about good vs. evil? It led to some tangent where I would make them write a paper every quarter so that the papers totalled up to four. The paper would have to be at least 5 to 7 pages long, and the source for the paper must be from their own minds... and one of the following: a book, a movie, an event, or a song (any song). They would have to tell me what that book, movie, event or song meant to them, and how it fully represents the concept of good verses evil.
See, I told you I think odd things late at night. I mean, look at me. I'm 26 years old. I don't have a degree in education, so there's no possible way I'd be teaching young adults how to write and think. So where do these strange brainstorms come from?
I can tell you one thing. It did come from me thinking dark thoughts. What were my dark thoughts? Sometimes I'm afraid to say them outloud, as if I'm going to be judged poorly for them. But then, other times, I think that it does a world of good to say them outloud for myself. Screw everybody else and what they think. I'm pretty certain they entertain dark thoughts, too. What sets me aside from the truly evil people is that I would never and could never act on them. I could never hurt myself nor another human being. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair. But... most of my dark thoughts don't consist of me hurting other people. I tend to want to nurture other people. Instead, it always revolves around me "cutting" myself.
I'm not into slamming myself into walls or doors so that I bruise myself intentionally. I'm not into pulling out my hair, or inflicting pain upon myself via a cigarette. But I used to have a problem with cutting my arms up pretty bad. And there are moments when I want to do that. I went onto a website to read about people like me. I found this somewhere, and it bests describes the situation.
Contrary to popular perception, self-harm is not about wanting to die. As the support group Self Harm Alliance explains: �It is not a failed suicide attempt. The majority of people who harm themselves are doing so in order to keep themselves alive. The release they gain enables them to carry on.�
Self-harm represents a way of dealing with difficulties or strong emotions with which the child feels otherwise unable to cope�in a distressed adolescent�s mind, steeling yourself to inflict pain brings a degree of control into a turbulent world. The Source
The only thing is.. I'm an adult. This reference talks mostly about adolescents. And while, I feel the need to do this sometimes... I prevent myself. I won't let myself do it. I had to think, though... what was it last night that made me want to inflict pain upon myself? And what was it that made me think some old familar thoughts. What were those thoughts?
I used to imagine taking a gun and pressing it inside my mouth back against the throat. I could instinctively feel the cold metal of the gun against my tongue and lips. When I feel this way, I normally have the urgency to pull the trigger. Bam! End it all. No more problems. Then, I think about my brains and blood splattered all over the bed and pillows, possibly even the walls. But last night... I thought about Joe. I thought about Megan. I thought about my mother, and my unborn niece Allison. I couldn't do that to them. I would never do that to them... take my life. So why was I even thinking about it? Is it normal for people to think about such things once in a blue moon? I haven't thought about it in 7 months, which is a record for me. So what triggered me to think this way last night?
Here's what I think: I think that I am so used to thinking negative thoughts like that when I feel highly emotional that it's almost an addictive response. It's the response I am most comfortable with because it's the response I know. I also know that perhaps I'm still slightly depressed. Sure, the prozac has helped immensely and I love the drug. I give it almost 100% credit for keeping me from harming myself today, and being paranoid and full of anxiety. However, I think that its also helped me face issues from my past that I need to accept someday and release from inside of me. I've come to terms with many things mentally, but I can't seem to let myself come to terms with them emotionally. I need to release the emotion. I need to let myself break down and cry and let it all out... I struggle with facing the emotional side of my issues, and I can't continue to do that. I won't be able to move forward into a real relationship, friendship or intimate, until I do this. I need to scream outloud, "Yes! I was born prematurely because my mother fell down the stairs. Yes! I almost drowned to death when I fell into the frozen pool. Yes! I didn't learn how to talk until I was 3 because my sisters did all the talking for me. Yes! I've never felt like I belonged." And I could go on, but I don't want too. I always get tired of thinking about my past. I don't want to think about it anymore. It wears me down. Plus, when I think about other people, I think... they have their own story to tell. Some have had wonderful lifes.. some have had terrible ones. It all depends on the environment they grew up in, and the events that took place. So who am I to sit here and bring up something that only matters to me... and shouldn't matter so much since it's in the past? It's happened. I need to learn to let it go. But then... there's the whole sexual abuse I need to deal with. I need to deal with it. I need to let it out. I need to accept it for what it was and move on from it. I can't continue to let it keep controlling my life emotionally, mentally... NO. NO. NO. Make it go away, I say. Make it just go away!! But, the only way to make it go away is to deal with it completely until it's resolved. Argh! I hate this.
In other news..... Casey tried to call last night, but by the time he attempted to call me it was after midnight. I decided to go to sleep about 11:30, not wanting to be kept up any longer. He said he'd call me last night, but he said it would be around 10. I'm certain he's thinking I'm totally avoiding him now.. which I have to admit.. last night I did avoid him. But not because of him.. but because of me. I wasn't in the mood to have him take his depressed mood out on me. I wasn't in the mood to argue with him about how I'm not avoiding him. And I wasn't in the mood to be kept awake until 1 AM by anyone. I'll deal with all of that later, I s'pose.
Cory called me last night after he got off work. He's going through a rough patch at the moment, one I won't go into detail with because that's his own personal business. He called off and on last night to discuss the issue, which I didn't mind at all. It's one thing to be constantly woken up by people so that they can just talk sexually to me, compared to calling me up when they truly need me as a friend. He needed me as a friend, so I was happy to set aside my sleep for him. We didn't get to talk too much as he called me off and on... but it was really nice of him to consider calling me up to talk to me and use me as a sounding board. It was also nice that he thought enough of me to call me and say that he wouldn't be able to call me later on as planned.
Because of his issue, he ended up spending the night at Charlotte's house, somebody he's known to be intimate with and has been intimate with for at least 2 or 3 years. I couldn't help but imagine him in bed with her the entire rest of the night. I argued with myself to give him credit. Maybe... just maybe... he slept on the couch instead. But a part of me knew better. I said, "At least he called you, so that means he was thinking about you last night. Quit being so full of self-doubt. You don't own him, anyway. If he wants to get laid during this time, then so be it. He has the freedom to do whatever he wants. Plus, he cares about her and she cares about him. He's there. She's there. You're so far away that it's pretty pointless to argue with yourself anyhow." And my mind went on and on with this debate. And then I told myself to shut-up. Quit turning the issue into something about you. It's his time of need. Understand that he needs you so you're going to be there for him in the ways that you can as he reaches out to you and not worry about the rest. And then I fell asleep, although I tossed and turned all night.
Enough about all of that. It doesn't matter anyhow. It won't work out anyway. I can't move to Minnesota because I have a house I need to live in for at least 3 more years, and I really doubt he'd move to Kansas for 2 or 3 of those years. Nobody seems to want to move to Kansas. Sure, I'm bored here.. but it's really not that bad of a place to live. I'd be bored anywhere. And I can't handle long distance relationships unless they're just friendships. I get too emotionally attached and it ends up destroying the relationship since it's not in the physical... and why in the hell am I thinking so far ahead as if he and I are going to end up together? He's my friend. Nothing more. It's not like we're boyfriend and girlfriend now, or we'll end up being a couple. We're friends. Hopefully we'll always be friends... So why do I feel physically ill at the thought of him sleeping in bed next to another woman who is 3 or 4 years younger then me, possibly better looking, definitely a lot smarter since she's teaching college, and who he's insisted is nothing more than one of those good friends he sleeps with although.. she's there to take care of him while I'm here and I can't?
And what am I going to do when we meet each other in less than a month? What if I do fall head over heels in love with this best friend of mine? Or what if we look at each other, are so not attracted to each other.. and it completely destroys the friendship that we've taken years to build? And what if I'm not good enough in bed, or bold enough to do the things we've often talked about doing together? All the what ifs and unknowns scare the hell out of me.
Ah, to hell with all this thinking. I need a break from it. I'm going to go drown myself in work.
