12:59 PM - Thursday, Mar. 09, 2006
I keep biting the inside of my mouth.
My Jodi Picoult book came out on Tuesday and I've been extremely addicted to it ever since. Every spare chance I get, I've been nose deep between the pages. This book is about a 14 year old girl who gets raped by her ex-boyfriend, and I've been underlining passages in the book that I can relate too.
Here are a few:
...she had already begun to divide her life into before and after.
I have divided my life into the before and after ever since my experience.
This time, though, when the needle went in, Trixie watched from above. She didn't feel the prick, she didn't feel woozy. She didn't feel anything at all, of course, because it wasn't her.
While I still felt like myself during my exam, it was only a few hours later that I began to separate myself from myself. I have never watched myself from above, although I have felt like I have on a few occassions. It's not that you separate yourself from your body, but more that you experience a sense of detachment. And through this detachment, you also feel numb.
She had tried to scrub down there, but she couldn't get all the way inside where she still felt dirty. When the doctor had said there was no internal trauma, Trixie had nearly asked her to check again. For a moment, she'd wondered if she'd dreamed the whole thing, if it had never really happened.
Once again, this is a detachment from reality. You question yourself. "Did I want him to do it." "Did I ask for it?" "Maybe I led him on." These thoughts fill your head, especially when it's just your word against his and the whole world seems to be completely against you.
And perhaps my favorite quote thus far:
... a rape victim and a victim of a fatal accidnt were both gone, forever. The difference was that the rape victim still had to go through the motions of being alive.
I can't tell you how many times I've had people talk to me about how much they missed the "Jessica" from before. And no matter how hard I tried to explain it to them, I could never find the words to make them understand that that Jessica was gone forever. She died that night.
You never get your old self back. Maybe old parts of you peek out from time to time, but for the most part that person is gone. And the only ones who really understand that are people who have been there before.
I'm not in the mood to be at work today. It's raining outside for the first time in months, and I have this urge to go play in the water. Instead, I am trapped inside where I can sit here and think random thoughts that I don't really feel like thinking.
I received my yearly bonus today (a bit earlier than we normally receive them), and I only got $4,000. Take away the taxes and that leaves me with $2,400 something. The federal government took $1,000 of it. I have to keep telling myself to be happy with the amount. I mean, even though the amount is minimal, in my opinion, it could have been a lot less. Like zero. I swear last year I received a $5,000 bonus. Maybe they took away $1,000 because I went back to school part time and gave up answering the phones. Well, I still answer them. Just not all the time. I just can't seem to be happy. Instead, I keep thinking to myself, "how much did they give everybody else?" And "why am I not getting more?" Does that mean I'm greedy? Am I turning into Scrooge? I mean, I still do the same amount of work as I did before. I just don't answer the phones full time.
You know what? I just need to get out of here and away from this place. Then I'd stop thinking about it and comparing my salary and bonuses to everybody elses. My mother would say that I'm jealous, but I'm not. I just think that since I have a higher level of education than some that I should be receiving equal amount of pay or more. I mean, what's a college education for if you don't get paid more?
It's enough to give me an ulcer just worrying about this petty shit. I think I should just go home and sleep or something. I feel like I need a mental day off.
On the bright side, I've been talking to a man named Bill on My Space. He just moved here from out of state. We swapped messages with each other the first two nights, but last night we talked on the phone. Our conversation started at about 10:15 and lasted until about 1:30... and the strange thing is, it felt like we had only been on the phone for about 15 minutes.
He's a really nice guy. A bit of a smart ass, but I like a guy who can hold his own. He works until late tonight, so he's asked me to take notes about CSI for him. I believe he may be calling me tonight. We shall see.
I really think a nice friendship (perhaps more?) is in the works here, people. I will keep you updated.
On to my last few items for the day... My sister's soon to be ex-husband has taken her bed with him. Therefore, she has taken back her sleigh bed. I went and bought a new bed the other day but it won't be here for another two to four weeks. I still have my mattresses, thank God.. so I'm not sleeping directly on the floor. Just down lower than I'm used too...
As for JuJu? Well, she's already interested in somebody else just like my dream predicted... and they are already getting serious with each other. We've tried to tell her to take things slow because this is exactly what she did with all of her previous relationships, but she doesn't want to listen. All we can hope is that if she ends up marrying this one, it doesn't end in divorce. And if it does, well, hopefully they don't have children whom they put through the trials and tribulations of one.
Anyhow, I think I'll get to work so I can go home. Later all.
