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10:54 PM - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2006
Movin' on up.
I've been way too addicted to My Space lately. At first it was because I was able to find and speak with old friends from high school and college... then Jen found me and I've had way too much fun catching up with her, and then Bill contacted me and I was getting addicted to talking to him... and then I started to get addicted to talking to all these other single men from Wichita that I've often found myself talking to them during the day while I'm at work. So far, my favorite one to talk with is a 42 year old man from Andover - which surprises me since I usually try to stay clear of men that much older or younger than me.

Well, as for Bill? I don't know what happened there. I blame myself for its demise, whether its from the fact that I've lost interest or the fact that for awhile there I think I became too clingy. And not the "I love him, and I want him clingy" but the "Somebody's paying attention to me and I don't want to lose that clingy." Which put a lot of things into perspective for me. If I'm going to return to this dating game, I shouldn't approach every man that interests me with this clinginess less they assume I'm looking to settle down and get married... or have them assume that I'm desperate or something, which is exactly the vibes I believe I gave Bill. How pathetic is that? I did tell him that I liked him because he'd make a good friend, and I haven't heard from him since. I've deleted his phone number from my cell phone because if he was interested in me he would have called. He hasn't, and therefore I can only assume he's 100% not.

It's okay. These past experiences have been an eye opener for me. I'm not used to rejection, but I've been rejected twice already this year. I know why. 1. The two men I've tried to date have been people I've met through some online source. 2. Men are visual creatures and I don't even have a picture of myself up on the internet. 3. Once a connection was made, I wanted to talk to them all the time instead of giving them their space, and 4. I rush into sex way too fast, which is something I really need to work on.

I'm not easy. I know sex doesn't constitute love... but it's almost as if that's the only thing I know how to do well... and I feel like that's the only thing I can use to keep the man interested in me. And if that is the only thing that keeps the man interested in me, then it's not a relationship worth having to begin with. So, I need to learn to bite my tongue when it comes to my sexual history and experiences.. and I need to keep my legs together.

Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship. Sure, sometimes I'm lonely and I wish I had somebody to go out and do things with, but there seems to be a few more things I need to work on to better myself before I get involved with somebody else. I want to feel better physically, which means I need to get over my anorexia and start feeding myself. And feeding myself healthy. And I need to look into the mirror everyday and do the Stuart Smalley thing by telling myself I am beautiful and smart. And I need to learn this dating game all over again because it's been way too long for me.

It'll be good. I'll find myself another David, and it will work out. Deep down, I know it will happen someday. I just wish someday wasn't so far away.

 

 

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