6:35 PM - Thursday, Mar. 30, 2006
Where is the passion when you need it the most?
I had a long conversation with Cory last night. He told me that that I still wanted David and that David was my soulmate. I don't know about that. We had a connection two years ago that was extremely powerful, powerful enough that we respect each other to this day, but....
Cory said it like this, too. "He's your soulmate, Jessica." I've spent the entire day thinking about his statement. Am I still hung up on some man with whom I'll never have a serious relationship with again, or is this man meant to be more to me than anybody else in existence?
I often think I'm overanalyzing the entire thing, that I'm now reading into something I shouldn't be. Sure, he responded to my e-mail and was kind enough to update me on his life and answer the question I sent to him to begin with... but that doesn't mean what Cory thinks it means. He kept saying, "But he responded to you! And he responded to you fast." Is he trying to build David up in my mind again or has David never left it?
Do I compare too many men to him? Have I put this man on a pedestal? Or was our relationship a connection that's going to affect me for the rest of my life?
Cory also said, "You want a guy just like David. Either that, or you want David, himself." Which one is it? Now I'm confused.
I think people come into our lives, leave their mark, and sometimes (most of the time) move on. I can count on one hand the number of people I have connected with beyond what may feel like the deepest of connections. I'm not talking about the people that you relate with very well, the people with whom you feel comfortable with and would do anything in the world for, the people you may call your best friends because you get along extremely well. I'm talking about the people that touch you on a level way beyond that, the people you are drawn to for no particular reason except that there's something between the two of you that you can't explain.... and you leave impressions in each other's lives that hang on even long after the person is gone from your life.
It doesn't take a best friend to know the one person in my life to touch me on a level unexplainable. My grandpa W., the man who has meant more to me than the world. People who knew him still come up to me and talk to me about the special relationship my grandpa and I had with each other. Even people who are complete strangers to me have often told me what was obvious to the naked eye. And if I could, I'd trade all my tomorrows to see him alive just one more time. It's not what he'd want, though. He'd want me to cherish my future and live it to it's fullest, not just for him for but for myself. He was my soulmate in so many ways, and I think about him all the time.
I can't list anymore people. It's not that I haven't connected with others in my lifetime. I mean, there's David, of course, and Cory.. It's more that... if I hold these relationships up to the one relationship that meant the world to me, not a single one can compare.
Cory's my ideal friend, David's my ideal lover, while my grandpa's the one I'm absolutely positive is/was my soulmate.
Random Fact About Jessica: I tried buffalo meat for the first time last night.
