10:18 AM - Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2004
That girl is protege.
Well, last night was pretty much spent reading a book of mine. That is... before Casey called me sounding severely depressed. I was about to eat dinner so he was like, "I guess I'll let you go so you can eat." I kept him on the phone for a tad bit, but he said he'd call back later. Later as in after 11 PM.. after midnight... the time when I want to be sound asleep in my bed. Now, I don't want to sound like a terrible person here, but I can't deal with depressed people. I often think to myself, "my god! Is this what I sounded like?" But I'm almost certain it's not because I'm more apt to not call people when I'm depressed. I'm more apt to curl up into a ball on the couch and pig out on ice-cream. So, anyhow.. I did do a little bit of talking to him to try and boost his spirits but it was difficult. He was determined to stay depressed.
He said it was because he was lonely, and that he hated living in Alabama. I told him he didn't have to live in Alabama if he didn't want too. He said he was stuck there. I told him that nobody is stuck anywhere. He said he was definitely stuck because he didn't have any money to leave the state. I said that he just needed to get a job then and work for six to nine months to get the money in order to move. He said he had school so there was no possible way he could leave. I said he could go to school in some other state. He said it would be too expensive. I said he could take up residency and then apply to the college. He just kept coming up with excuses as to why he couldn't do things that could possible make him feel better about life. He said he didn't have medical coverage so he couldn't get on some anti-depressent. I told him that he could get on one that costs $30 a month without coverage... but he said he didn't even have $30 a month to spend on meds. I asked him how much he worked out and what his diet consisted of, but he wouldn't tell me those details. I figure he barely works out and eats like crap... which probably also adds to his depression. I seriously think it's all excuses. He wants to be depressed. He's probably so used to it that he's afraid of what it might feel like to actually feel good. That, and I seriously doubt he's giving people down there a real chance.
But who am I to say these things? I spent my entire life in a depressed state... but at least I'm doing something to improve my situations rather than just letting the situation control me. At least I can say that much.
Ryan called me last night, too. We talked for awhile just shooting the breeze. I helped him get rid of some spyware on his computer. It was hilarious. Mine had 39 "infected" files on it while his had 219? I think it was 219. I know it was 200 something. Cracks me up. Poor Ryan...
Cory called last night. His situation is still going on, but I can see a light at the end of this path for him. He needed to change. The attractive thing about it is, he takes action to make the change. He doesn't just sit around in a bad situation and let it get the best and most of him. It made me want him so bad last night, just knowing that he's not afraid to be so... manly. Rawr! I asked him if he slept on the couch at Charlotte's and he did. I can't express how much better that made me feel. Of course, I'm trying to not turn this into me.. or create a drama that has me involved in it. It's just that I seriously hated the idea of him bedding her. I know he was stressed so sex probably wasn't even on his mind... but how am I to know that he wouldn't take advantage of the situation and curl up into her instead? Just for some comfort? I think I just want it to be me he comes too. I want to be the one he reaches out for and curls up against. And I love the fact that he called me over and over again that night that this was all unfolding. And I love the fact that he called me last night, too. And he promised me he wouldn't push me away since he normally pushes people away when he's dealing with a lot of stress. I wish I lived there or he lived here. I would have taken him in under my wing and tried to make everything easier for him right now.
My goodness.... he's like... the only guy I know who makes me feel things just by saying my name... or just even speaking. Maybe he's the reason I can't feel anything for other men right now. Just maybe.
Anyhow, I'm going to log off here and read my book for awhile. I just wanted to let Cory know, if he has time to even read this, that I'm thinking about him.
