10:04 PM - Monday, May. 15, 2006
The World Is Flat
I take my last final tomorrow night. I can't wait. I should be studying right now but my brain is fried. Plus, I just watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy and I'm totally bugging over who Meredith is going to pick next year. Will it be Dr. McDreamy or the vet? I don't know if I can wait an entire summer to find out the results. This completely sucks. Thank God television has stopped putting on so many reality TV shows, though. I've been missing sitcoms and dramas.
I start my first summer class this coming Monday. Am I pushing myself too hard? I mean, I get a month off inbetween this class and the next one, but still... should I have taken the summer off? I'm not even sure I should be going into the program. It's just the only thing I know to do because I don't want to work for my dad for the rest of my life - especially if it means doing what I do now years down the road.
A monkey could do my job and wouldn't get into as much trouble as I seem to get into. But then again, if they blamed the monkey for their mistakes, he probably wouldn't take it so seriously. Heck, who knows if the monkey would even understand their acquisations. I kept telling the people at work I didn't do it, that I wasn't even in the office when the issue with the new system happened, but since it happened from MY computer it's all my fault. It bothers me they blame me for something I didn't even do. I finally just told them, "Okay. Fine. Even though I DIDN'T DO IT, I won't do it again." I swear, if they blame me for something so stupid again in the future just because things happened from off MY computer, I'm walking. Screw them all. Literally. I changed my log in password and OGWIN password today so that means if it happens again, it has to be either FAG or JTCG just because they're administrators.
The more time I put into the job I have now, the more frustrated I become concerning work and the future. I keep telling myself it's time to move on. Once you start to feel the need to change your career path, then it's time to do so. But how can I change it now when this will pay my bills when I get into the program? Maybe if I get into the program I can become a full time student and become involved in some internship instead.... I just need to stick this out for the summer and see what the fall has in store for me.
I hate not knowing. I hate having to second guess myself all the time. I wish there was a map that was written out specifically detailing what I should do with my life. I tell my family I'm thinking of becoming a professor and they tell me I'm too shy, that I don't have what it takes to get in front of a big group of people amd teach. And I don't know if I do or if I don't, but I can't figure out if they're trying to discourage me from moving forward. Most of the time, I feel as if they don't know me at all - that they completely define me by the person I used to be instead of the person I have become. The sad thing is, by the time they start to accept the person I am now, I'll have changed again into a completely different person.
Sometimes I wish my parents didn't think in patriarchal terms. They assume the thing I should be doing is getting married and having children. Sometimes I feel like they look at me as if I'm a failure because I'm not even looking to head down that path. Why should I be? It's enough to cause me to remain single for life just to go against their idea of a social system. I don't see what's wrong with choosing a different life goal, one that doesn't consist of building a large family or a career. I don't see an advanced career or a developed family as a means to qualify me for success in life. All I want to do is live life to its fullest extent and die happy doing it.
Anyhow, time go get back to frying the brain.
Random Fact About Jessica: Sometimes I wish I was insane so I'd have an excuse to live in some nut house and not be bothered with the world we live in.
