5:38 PM - Sunday, May. 28, 2006
Why is life so dramatic?
My family celebrated my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary today. They were married on the 25th, but this was the earliest we could all get together as a family. I thought about how 50 years together is a milestone for most couples but to reach 60 is quite an accomplishment. My parents have been married for almost 37 years, and even that long tends to be a miracle these days.
And... I found out today that my younger cousin Mary is three months pregnant. She's due in November. I talked to her on the phone today and she sounds extremely happy. And I also found out that my sister Jenny is playing in the national racquetball championship down in Houston tomorrow. She was seated last in her division, but beat the woman seated first. By this time tomorrow we'll know if she's the national womens champion.
I know I'm breaking away from the flow of my rant on Christianity and the subordination of women, but I've had a lot of things going on today that I needed to think through. I felt the need to reflect somewhere inbetween lunch and having a long conversation with my family at the kitchen table.
After everybody had left, I put the jeep into reverse and pulled out of my parents' driveway. I barely remember the ride out of town. Before I knew it, the wind was whipping me in the face and I was passing one wheat field after another. I felt the temptation to keep driving but instinct drove me straight home.
I get like that sometimes. I lose myself in thought only to come to the realization that I've been on autopilot for awhile. It happens more often than I'd like to admit with today being no exception.
Sometimes I love to climb into my car and drive. I never get very far, but I dream about driving the distance. Today I thought about making it all the way into Oklahoma; then I realized that if I was going to actually take a break from my life and drive somewhere it should be in a different direction. After all, my favorite place in the United States is back east so if I were to run away that should be the area I run away too. Shouldn't it?
Back east makes me think about Scotty. When I was in the middle of the country on some bumpy old paved road, I thought about how Scotty was in NYC. He's living so far away from us now surrounded by millions of people and super tall buildings. And here I was, out in the middle of nowhere with nothing but blue skies and the closest person at least a mile or two away.
Could I trade it all in for something else, or am I where I'm supposed to be? Kansas is in my blood and has been for generations. Yet, a part of me wants to wake up someday to find myself somewhere else. Where, I couldn't tell you. I just know that when I find the place, I'll know.
It's amazing how different life is everywhere you go, how much life changes over the years. You get caught up in the present that by the time you realize it years have gone by. Before you know it, you're no longer who you used to be and sometimes you can't even remember who that was.
I say this because so much has happened within the last year. Casey came back into my life, but the friendship we might have had is over with. As of last night, he accused me of cheating on him with somebody from NYC months ago - somebody that I don't even find sexually attractive and would never date to begin with. Besides that, Casey and I aren't even together. After he cheated on me three years ago, I wasn't going to get into another relationship with him again. I tried to be his friend, but obviously friendship doesn't work between two people who used to be intimately involved.
His accusations hurt me, though. More than they probably should have. He was drunk when he said these things and I told him to go sober up. Then what do I do? I open up the bottle and I start to drink myself. My excuse was that I was pissed off and I needed a drink. That fact alone should have been a warning sign signaling inside my brain. I didn't hear the sirens going off so I just drank myself into a stupor.
I talked to Cory on the phone before the alcohol hit me hard. I remember telling him how I hated David - and that the reason I hated David was because I couldn't hate him. I told him how I hated David because David didn't love me anymore (Not that I love David anymore, because I don't. I just have this unhealthy need to be loved by people, especially the ones I've been in a relationship with. It's probably why I was so upset over the whole Casey fiasco. I think I should spend this year working on this problem.).
Anyhow, I told Cory about my earlier fight with Casey. To a degree, Cory was pissing me off. He tried to explain to my alcohol induced brain that he wasn't taking sides, but that's how I read it. He told me he understood where Casey was coming from because it's hard to love somebody and not have them love you back. And when the conversation turned over to my rant about David, he started to talk to me about Tessa. The topic of Tessa (the 19 year old) has always been, and will probably always be, a sore spot for me.
And it's because of the conversations we have about Tessa that I did something I should never have done. Instead of being the supportive friend and pushing my feelings to the back, I called up his cell phone and said some choice words. I don't remember what I said. I just remember it had something to do with Tessa. But... from my position... all I can say is that she will always be known in my mind as the person who almost destroyed the friendship I had worked so hard at with Cory. And maybe speaking my mind over the phone last night has put our friendship to an end, but if that's all it takes to destroy what took us so long to build up, then maybe the friendship wasn't as strong as it should have been. I don't know if it's over. All I know is that he's erased himself from my My Space, and to me that speaks volumes.
How does this make me feel? Perhaps no worse off than how Cory feels right now. I have betrayed his trust by pushing his buttons where he hurts most. All I can say in response to that is everytime he ever brings Tessa up, my own buttons are pushed where it hurts the most. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of turning to a friend for my own emotional support only to have him constantly turn the conversation back around to him and his relationship with Tessa. This happens every single time. I could have a bad day at work and need to blow off some steam, but instead of being able to blow off my steam, I end up having to listen to some version of Cory's past relationship with this woman-child. I never said anything before because I always thought that perhaps I was being selfish. Or maybe even self-centered to a degree... but quid pro quo. And so it goes, Jess. So it goes.
I used to be in love with Cory. Well, a part of me was. A part of me might always be in love with him, and I think its from these old emotions that our problems exist. Maybe not on his end, but on my end they do. I know it will take some time to go through them all and sort them out, but it's got to be done. Not that I believe you can take every single solitary emotion inside of you and place them in selective boxes. I just know it's time to evaluate how these emotions are making me act, and what I need to do to get beyond them.
It's time for me to move on. I need to move on mentally from David, and emotionally from Casey and Cory. I feel its time now, whether I want it to be or not.
It's amazing how life turns out while you're too busy looking the other way.
Random Fact About Jessica: I'm in the middle somewhere inbetween right and wrong... and I can't look out so I'm crawling back in. I'll come out later when the time is right. You can wait for me in the corner or you can move on. *wow, that sounds like I could make it into a song.*
