1:50 PM - Friday, Oct. 01, 2004
Don't tip the boat over.
Well, it's really quiet here at the office right now. Almost everyone is gone. Most of them are going down to Greensburg for the GPFS party, and I'm assuming the funeral for Mike. The only people here are Marshall, the 2 Dianes, Jackie, and I. I sometimes wish it were like this all the time... but then, I would probably go crazy if it was this quiet every single workday. I have to be careful of what I wish for.
I just sent everyone in my e-mail folder a mass e-mail updating them on my life. From the sounds of it, I have no life. Or, rather, I have such a content and laid-back lifestyle that it's peaceful. Especially since there isn't any drama going on right now. I guess that's what I get for maintaining long distance relationships and slightly avoiding those in close proximity to me.
I don't even know what to write about today. I didn't really do anything yesterday that's worth mentioning. I don't have any opinions on issues surrounding this society or other societies at the moment. I did watch some of the Presidential Debate last night, but after an hour of listening to them talk about nothing but Iraq I changed the station.
Who am I going to vote for? I haven't figured that one out yet. I'm not really into either canidate. And since I'm not a die hard Democrat or Republican, I guess I will flip a coin. That doesn't sound like a smart thing to do... but I haven't any idea what else to do. My parents want me to vote for Bush. My grandparents want me to vote for Kerry. I want to know where the real canidates are. I want to know where the man is who is going to take some action and make something good happen. Is he only a 2 year old right now? Has he been born yet? Could it possibly be someone trapped inside a woman's body?
Who knows? Who cares? The future seems to always take care of itself no matter what we do to improve or worsen it.
So, I heard that Mount St. Helen's is going to erupt. This is interesting. The last time it erupted was back in 1980, and I was either 3 or 4 years old. It's kind of freaky, however, that Mount St. Helen's is erupting, some town in Alaska (according to my Time Magazine) is shrinking in size because they're losing 100s of feet of land into the ocean over the years thanks to global warming, and there have been I don't know how many hurricanes rampaging the southeastern coast. This all follows summers and winters full of forest fires, blizzards, and flooding. Has this occurred all the time over the years during my life? Or is this all something that's just been occurring over the last 15 to 20 years? Okay. The concept of all of it is scary, but the fact that it's not actually happening in my community or near me makes it seem worlds away. Therefore, it isn't that scary for me at the moment. It'll probably hit home when Kansas actually feels the affects of these incidents.
I talked to my brother the other day. It seems he hasn't even attempted looking for a job. He said he's been busy studying for the G.R.E. so he can go after his PhD. I'm thinking to myself, "bullshit." He's just living off of Mom and Dad's money for as long as he can. I wouldn't be surprised if they cut him off at the end of October if he doesn't have proof he's going back to school or is employed somewhere. That boy has been spoiled his entire life. He's 24 years old and has had only 2 jobs during his entire life. Both of those jobs were while he was in college, and neither of them lasted that long. And yet... he's screaming out that he needs to find himself. I'll tell him how to find himself. Get a job. Grow the hell up. Take on some responsibility for once in your life.. and realize that you'll figure out the meaning of your life along the way. But no... he insists on coming up with excuses as to why he can't do all of that. Just like how Casey comes up with excuses as to why he can't improve his life and get beyond the depression. Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.
Yet, who am I to say anything in regards to this? I used to come up with many excuses myself. That is until I realized that everytime I didn't like something... I always came up with a reason as to why I couldn't make it better or improve it. Then it smacked me in the face one day. "Well, damn. Of course life isn't getting any better. I keep wanting it to do all the hard work for me." Not gonna happen. And once lazy ass people realize that, they'll be better off. Like that quote says, "The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
If I sound angry or bitter or something... don't let that fool you. I'm not angry, bitter or jealous... or whatever. It's just that when it comes to my younger brother, sometimes I want to shake him awake. He seems to be this overbearing sleepwalker going through life in a daze. And as for Casey? He's a great guy, but I'm not looking to be some man's crutch. Not that he'd turn me into his crutch... If he can prove to me that he's not afraid to work for what he wants, then maybe... but until then, no.
As for relationships? I need to definitely improve the way I am towards people. I'm not a very good friend most of the time. I don't keep in touch very well, and I like to keep my distance. I'm a very private person offline, and I hate letting people in. It's probably why I'm not very good at going out and dating people. It's also probably why I'm still single. But, I'm not going to let the pressures of society push me into a relationship before I'm ready to enter into one. So what if all my friends are married, getting married, have children, are having children, or whatever! Why do I allow myself to be bullied into thinking that's what I'm supposed to do because that's what everybody else expects of me? I don't care if my parents think I'll end up an old hermit if I don't act now. I get tired of their comments, but I'm happy by myself. And the people who treat me differently or give me odd looks because I'm the fifth or third wheel, or they assume something's wrong with me because I'm the only child in my ENTIRE family (excluding the small children) to not have some kind of band on my finger? I'd like them to just bend over and kiss my ass.
Well, I better quit there. I'll end writing until a novel's completed if I don't.
