4:20 PM - Monday, Jul. 03, 2006
Am I crazy for wanting you?
I'm on a roller coaster ride - except the only direction I seem to be headed is up. There's a nervous tension settling somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach that's waiting for the moment when I near the top of the peak. I haven't been holding on very tightly to the bar, but I also haven't been paying any attention to the ground that I'm leaving behind me.
"Something's wrong," I tell myself. Yet, I seem to be in one piece, and I've never been happier in my life. "What can it be?"
It's not on the surface. When I look into the mirror, I'm completely there. The same dark brown eyes stare directly back at me. They take in my cute little nose, the reddish soft pink lips, my straight white teeth and the dimple in my right cheek - all framed by the same strands of brownish-blonde hair that I woke up with yesterday. If you travel further down my body, I'm still the same weight and height I was the day before. Even the familiar scar on my right shoulder is still there, reminding me of a surgery I had years ago. So what is it? What's so different about me today?
Right now, if I press my fingertips to the base of my throat, my heart is racing. It's beating so fast I can't even begin to keep track. "Maybe I'm sick," I tell myself. But that's not possible. I feel just fine inside and out.
Who am I kidding? I know exactly what's wrong with me. But if I think about it too much, I'm afraid I'll wake up from this dream and realize it's not real. It was only a figment of my imagination, a dream that lasted for just the briefest of moments...
Yet, I don't want to wake up. No. Not yet. I don't want to reach the top of that peak only to find that I'm being pulled down by something I can't control. Will it be good? Will it be bad? I don't know if I even want to find out.
If only I could freeze time. If only I could capture these moments in a frame and remain suspended forever. I wish I had that power. I wish I could hold this moment still. The only problem is, I'm already along for the ride, strapped inside and held down by a bar.. and whether I want it too or not.. this ride is pushing me forward.
Random Thought by Jessica: Why you? Why now? And am I crazy for wanting you like this?
