12:36 AM - Monday, Sept. 11, 2006
You can have what's left of me.
I have had perhaps one of the most emotional weekends of my life. It was brought about by the realization that I am going to have to make some major life changes. While I knew I would have to make these changes before this weekend, it didn't hit home until I received a copy of my blood test in the mail. Along with the test, the doctor's office sent me a pamplet to better inform me about my condition.
Basically, it's a genetic disorder and I was born with it. It also means that I have other family members who most likely have it, and that my future children may also have it. The sad thing is, it's not curable. It's only treatable. That means if I don't make these lifestyle changes or I don't take the medication they gave me, I will end up with severe health problems when I am older. We're all at risk for these conditions, but my risks are doubled.
It also means that my ovaries are always going to have a ton of those tiny little cysts all over them. Everytime I look at a drawn picture of an ovary affected by PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), I can't help but imagine my own ovaries resting inside my body looking abnormal like that. It's enough to make me sick to my stomach.
The other thing that I'm afraid of is that I will have trouble getting pregnant and remaining pregnant. I have always wanted a family, even if that family has been seen as something far off in the distant future. Knowing that I'm more at risk to have miscarriages leaves me with a disheartened feeling. Sure, I'm changing my lifestyle and I'm taking those pills, but I can't take the pills while I'm pregnant. Doesn't that mean I will return to being subjective to the negative affects of this condition?
I don't mind making the lifestyle changes. I don't mind having to take another pill, especially if this pill will help me reduce the risks of endometrial hyperplasia - a condition that may turn into cancer. What's causing me to be emotionally upset is the fact that my ovaries aren't normal and that I may have difficulty creating the family I've desired.
I'll be okay, though. I think I just need some time to accept these facts as uncontrollable truths. After all, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
