3:42 AM - Monday, Oct. 23, 2006
I wish I was the one who set the world on fire.
I am so pissed off lately, and I don't even know why. I feel like I have this river of rage just rushing through me. One minute I'm fine and the next minute I just want to scream or shout.
Yesterday I was feeling extremely blah inside and slightly depressed. All I wanted was to hear somebody's voice on the other end of the line for awhile. At first I didn't want to speak to anybody, so when 'yan called, I didn't answer the phone. But in the past he's always made me feel better so I called him back. Halfway through our conversation his two bit floozy calls on the other end of the line. Instead of switching over and telling her he'll call her back sometime later, he tells ME he's got to go. I knew it was her and when I said so, he didn't deny it. He said he'd call me back later and I told him not to bother. I felt like shit. I needed a friend and the one I always thought I could count on in any time of emotional crisis pushes me aside... in my time of NEED, I might remind you.
So my emotional rage just deepens instead. If I knew how to cure it or get rid of it, I would. I don't like being like this. I don't like feeling like this, but it just won't stop. I even took a shower last night in hopes that maybe it would help me force these feelings out of me and I could get a good cry in. Didn't help. Instead I ended the shower with a heart pounding so hard that I could literally see it making my body shake.
Ah, shit. I don't know what's going on with me. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know!! I'd make a joke right now and say, "Ha ha.. You know those female hormones." Or maybe even pretend to the world that I'm bipolar for a moment, or something... Hell, earlier I blamed it on the weather changing just to have an excuse for feeling so shitty inside.
I also called up Cory and CM, but Cory didn't answer nor call me back and CM was too busy playing poker. He said he'd call me back in ten minutes but he never did. Maybe it's me. Maybe they sensed some vibe in me that said, "Don't speak to her. She'll only bring you down." It's not like I'm like this all the time. I'm used to feeling upbeat and happy... but god. I don't want to bring anybody down with my mood, but I also don't want to continue feeling like this! And I know if I could just find somebody to talk me through this even if it's just to bullshit on the phone about something as boring as taxes, I'll be fine.
I would have called somebody else but those are the only people I feel comfortable calling after 11 PM at night. And I'm not very good at crying over the phone with people to begin with, let alone crying in general. I would have called my family members but they all have to work in the morning, and I don't think my emotional distress is so bad that I need to bug them over it.
I'm a people person for the most part, and I need socialization. Oddly, I love being the center of attention and I love getting to know all sorts of people. Yet, there's the dark side to me: the shy side that seems to take over and have presidence over me. And with all my physically close friends having moved to Kansas City or some other state, I'm feeling rather lonely right now here in Wichita. My mom told me to go out and make new friends, but I've never been good at making friends since I'm so shy. All the friends I've ever made over time just fell into my life because they decided to befriend me. And I'm so glad they did befriend me because I struggle, seriously have always struggled, making friends and actually putting my guard down enough to have the friendship be more than just acquintances. A good portion of my life was spent as a loner (in my mind, anyhow) because I think so many people just thought I was stuck up or something when in reality I was just too shy. Alcohol changed that, though. Alcohol made me outgoing, and now that I've given up alcohol... I'm just.. I don't know. I'm nothing.
So before I destroy any sort of friendships I may have with anybody, I've decided I'm going to go into hermit mode for awhile. I know. Ironic considering that the last thing I want is to be all alone. I just.. I don't feel good emotionally right now and I don't want to drag the people I care about down in the dumps with me. Yet, my instinct tells me to push people like 'yan away and tell him to go fuck off. It's like being two sides of some coin and not being able to choose which side to be.
I'm going to go away for awhile, I think. I may update in my diary since I do so much better when I write things out. Just... I don't know. If you care about me, don't worry. This will pass eventually. I hope. I'm not so depressed or emotionally bothered that I'm in that state to go cut myself up or commit suicide or something. I'd never be that selfish again. Just know that if I've hurt you because of this, I'm sorry... because I really don't mean to hurt anybody. I just want my old self back and it sucks that she's hiding behind some emotional hurt right now.
Funny, I was talking to someone the other day about how I wish I could write poetry again, but that I haven't felt the emotions to truly write it. And now this. I guess I should be careful what I wish for.
