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3:49 AM - Wednesday, Oct. 25, 2006
Let it roll over you and beyond you...
Here it is, almost 4 AM, and I'm up. I went to bed early last night, but not so early that I should be waking up right about now. My schedule is so messed up. Perhaps that's one of my problems for being so emotionally distressed right now.

I also found out that I only have one month left on my Prozac. If I want anymore refills, I need to make an appointment with my old doctor. Why, I don't know? It's Prozac. Maybe I've become dependent upon it for my ultimate happiness, but I'm seriously afraid of returning to that depressed state of mind. Sure, I'm in a slump right now, but this is nothing like what I felt when I was really depressed. Before Prozac, I could care less if I lived or died and all I wanted to do was sleep. This slump I'm in right now just has me frustrated.

And why not? Yesterday at work was almost hellish. I had 112 checks to process and halfway through them our system crashed on me because FAG (his initials, not a term making fun of English cigarettes or homosexuality) did something to lock me out of my job during the middle of my job. I had to call the system creators just to retrieve the missing voucher number so I'd have backup for my work. On top of that, some lady sent in her money with the bitchiest letter advising me that she hasn't paid because "Somebody" at my company (FAD - not to be confused with FAG) went behind their backs and involved some lawyer - and that if I wished to see any form of payment from them in the future to send the JIB to such and such address. Like I have any control over what FAD does, but I made a copy of that note and just slapped it down on FAD's desk. I'd go on bitching about my day at work, but it's pointless. The day is over with. I just hope today isn't nearly the same.

And to top off all that frustration for the week so far, I decided to take a break from chatting online for a bit, but it seems to have turned me into some discussion topic among even people who I don't really know. And their assumptions are possibly going to hurt other people, but there's nothing I can do about that right now. I'm not about to involve myself into some drama somebody else wants to create for my benefit. I just hope that the people who know me don't jump to conclusions and assume that whatever is being discussed is the reason why I'm taking break - because it's 100% not. God, I hate how people misconstrue things and run rampant with rumors. Offline, online. It doesn't matter. People are people, and for some reason the world is full of people in need of drama.

As for my friend 'yan, I'm just being overly protective. I don't want him to get hurt by somebody who has a reputation for hurting people. But that's a chance he's got to make on his own. It's not something I can control or keep from happening, so I'm just learning to step back and let nature run it's course. I've always been overly protective of my friends, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I just have to learn that I can't control everything that I don't like or agree with. I just need to learn to accept the things I cannot change. It's a life project, I'm sure, because I've been working on that one for years now.

I can't believe how many people have offered me their time if I need somebody to talk too. I really appreciate it, especially right now. It's made me feel extremely good inside to have so many friends step forward and offer their support. Friends that I've had for years and friends that are newly made. I have to admit it's been an ego boost to my morale knowing that perhaps I'm not such a bad person after all if so many people want to be a part of my life. I can't let it get to my head too much, though. I don't want to take any of these people for granted. CM did call me the next day, but as for Cory? Still haven't heard from him. I'd probably have to end up half dead in a ditch somewhere for him to actually call me when I'm in need of an ear to listen to my problems. So why do I put up with him? Good question. Why do I put up with a lot of things? Sometimes I'm just too damn nice.

I think Mandy's right. I think the reason I'm so emotional right now is probably because of the pills I have to take for my PCOS. I cannot wait until I've gotten this freaking disorder under control so that I can return to a normal life. It's been such a life changing experience. I've had to change my eating habits along with my diet, and I'm having to force myself to be less lazy around the house because if I don't want to wake up with shooting pains in my ovaries, I have to workout at least thirty minutes everyday. I even went so far as to buy Proactive Solutions to get rid of the small break-out I'm experiencing on my chin. I'm used to having clear beautiful skin, so I'm blaming the break-out on the pills, too. But now that I've bought into the celebrity television infomercial hype for this face stuff, it better work and return my face to the smoothness I'm used too.

You know what's funny? I've been off fast food for almost a month now for the most part. I went and bought some because it was an emergency hunger situation, and all three times the food tasted like shit. The fries were too greasy, the bun was too dry, and the meat wasn't even worthy of being called meat. That's enough to turn me off from fast food forever - except for their salads. I love Wendy's Taco Salad. And I'm becoming addicted to Iced-Tea. It'll never be as good as Dr. Pepper, believe me... but for a replacement drink, it's quite all right. Besides, Dr. Pepper, let alone pop (especially brown pop), is bad for you. It adds pounds to your body, makes you feel lazier, and causes you to be thirstier. AND brown pop thins your bones. That's why if I drink any kind of pop, I'm drinking 7UP.

But enough with these ramblings... I'm going to go curl up in bed and try to sleep until my alarm goes off.

 

 

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