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8:59 PM - Wednesday, Oct. 25, 2006
It lives always within your reach.
I just got done watching the latest episode of One Tree Hill. Oh my god! It's been a long time since a TV show made me jump up and scream at the characters as if my voice could save them. And it looks like the drama is only going to continue into next week. I already can't wait to see next week's episode.

There was also a part in the show where Nathan tells Haley that everything's going to be okay. The speech he gave in front of everyone to her just about made me cry. I told Comet, "That's what I want. I want a guy whose not afraid to say things like that to me." And then I told her, "God, I'm turning into a sap, aren't I?" She actually meowed a response. I'm guessing she was agreeing with me.


After I wrote this morning's entry, I logged off the computer and had an epiphany. I'm 29 years old now. In one year I'm going to be turning 30. By the time my parents were 30, they had been married for about 8 years and had 3 children. When my sister Angie turned 30, she had a Masters and had been married for 9 years with 3 children. When my sister Jenny turned 30, she had been married twice and had a doctorate. Here I am, one year shy of 30. I've never been married, I don't have any children, and I'm still far away from obtaining my educational goal. Even my younger brother has a Masters degree AND a lifetime partner.

Sometimes it makes me wonder what in the world is wrong with me. Why am I not as far along as they are? Why did I stray from the path that was expected of me? And why can I only look back on it now as a flaw in my character and another number in my long list of failures?

I know there is nothing wrong with being single and without children by the time you're 30. I also know that life isn't based on what educational level you have or how fast you obtain that education. I know that I shouldn't be comparing myself to the rest of my family members, or measure myself up against their successes by looking at my lack of accomplishments as failures. For some unknown reason, it's what I do.

I know life's not about whether or not you get married. It's not about how many children you have or don't have. It's not even about how much money you make or what kind of job that you do. It's not about what sort of school you went to or what level of education you have. It's none of these... Yet, it's all of these. These are the things that define you. They mold you into the person that you are, shape you into the person that people see you as, and line out the person you're going to become.

So, is it any wonder that I hold myself up against those closest to me and compare myself to them?

I have tried very hard to let go of expectations; expectations towards other people, and expectations towards myself. Yet, this is where I truly fail. I hold onto these expectations knowing full well that by having them I'm only letting myself down when they aren't met.

Knowing this, I still can't seem to let them go; and the worst part is that it scares the hell out of me. It scares the hell out of me that I'm going to grow old alone, that I'll never experience the joy of being pregnant nor witnessing the birth of my very own child, and that there's always that possibility that I'll never obtain a high level of education. All of these things are important to me. I want a life-partner, I want a child to call my own, and I want to know that I spent my time on earth learning everything I could possibly learn about myself and the world around me. I want to die having no regrets, and I know that if I never have a child, get married, or stimulate my mind beyond it's outer limits, I will die with regrets.

And the older I get, the more likely these regrets will cling to me like leeches. So I just want somebody to slip into my world and say to me, "You know what? It doesn't matter, because we're going to make it through this life together. And in the end, everything, absolutely everything, is going to be okay."

 

 

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