4:15 AM - Monday, Nov. 27, 2006
If only I could catch some z's.
Well, I�m feeling less than human lately. Or maybe it�s more that I feel like I�ve lost a big part of who I am. Recently, I had to take a lot of blood tests because something was going on with my female side. They still haven�t figured out exactly what is wrong with me. I�ve been diagnosed with so many different conditions that I should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
It�s stressing me out. And anytime I think about it, I just want to forget I even exist. I feel like I�m in this constant battle with my own body, and I can�t seem to sleep very well at night right now because it�s always lingering in the back of my mind. I hate the idea of not being able to have children. I don�t like the idea that even if I do get pregnant, I�ll either miscarry or give premature birth. I hate the idea that I am possibly at a high risk for ovarian cancer. I don�t like knowing that I�m stuck taking bio-identical hormones for the rest of my life. They taste awful, and yet I have to absorb them between my cheek and gum twice a day.
Every now and then, I feel a slight pain where my ovaries are. Sometimes it feels like somebody is stabbing at them with a knife. Other times it�s a dull ache, like I�m merely cramping.
Whatever is going on, I hope they figure it out soon. I�m sick and tired of worrying, and I would love to be able to sleep at night.
