3:11 PM - Sunday, Oct. 17, 2004
Anxiety Sucks.
Oh, my back hurts. I need to stretch it something bad. Aaaaah.... stretching doesn't help, either.
Casey called me last night. He went out and bought a new cell so he could talk to me whenever he wanted too without having to wait until late at night to call. He also got it so I could call him. As of this weekend, we'll have known each other for two years. Isn't that just odd? Time sure flies by rather fast. I was having a very bad time the other night. He talked to me about things, insisting that I'm not trapped and that I could get out of my situation and find someplace else to work. He also said that if I didn't like it at the new job, I could always go find another new job. What else did he say to me? I told him I needed somebody to tell me often that it was going to be all right. He told me, "That's what I'm here for. To tell you that everything's going to be all right." Since when did our relationship become so serious? He was even going off on me for not communicating with him enough. "How do you expect me to act when you don't communicate with me?" he said. I told him that it was hard to communicate about things openly when I'm not writing them down on paper... and I hate to burden people with my problems because they aren't really huge problems. And he was like, "but they're huge problems to you so it does matter to me." And I'm like, "they're silly problems, and I feel as if I complain too much about them." And he said, "this job is making you sick. You're never going to be happy there. You worry too much about it. You need to get out of that environment." All I could reply was, "I know."
I've been talking to Brian the last week about what to do. I've told him that I can't possibly be the receptionist when we move into the new building because, not only would it drive me insane, I wouldn't be able to get any of my work done. Half of my stuff will be on one side of the building while the other half will be on the other side. Yet, I'm not allowed to spend too much time venturing into either side because I have to stay smack dab in the middle at all times. And if I'm supposed to leave to take the deposits and mail, yet.. I can't leave the building until 5:00 or 5:30... there's no possible way I'm going to get anything done.. and I really can't stand the idea o being at work from 8:00 AM until 6:00 PM every single work day... plus spending 20 to 30 minutes each way. This place would consume me alive. It just won't work. And I told him that it worries me, and it depresses me... and that I wish I were more excited about moving into a new building but instead I'm full of anxiety. And I made out a list of everything I'm obligated to take care of, and the list is pretty long... and I marked the things I don't mind doing versus the things I hate to do. And maybe if I were passionate about accounting, or oil & gas... or being "Just a receptionist", then maybe I wouldn't mind spending more time at the office than I do my own home... but I hate it! I don't like math. I don't like keeping books. I don't like dealing with people who don't pay their bills attempting to get them to fork over their money. I don't like doing all of that while I'm stuck answering a phone that won't stop ringing, and when I'm busy on one line with somebody trying to get them to pay their invoices, another call is coming in and nobody is helping to answer it so it just rings and rings and rings. I can't very well put the person on hold that I'm dealing with just to transfer the other line to somebody else who probably isn't even in their office but off wagging their tongues about how I'm not doing my job correctly. And argh! The whole thing just literally makes me want to bawl my eyes out just thinking about it.
At first I felt obligated to stay. I thought, "This is the only thing I can do because I'm not good at anything else. Not that I'm good at this, either, but still..." I also felt like I was meant to be there for a reason. Now that I've struggled to update their computers, get their filings on cd, encouraged them to rent someplace bigger or build a building (yes, that was my idea along with my mother's), and have attempted numerous times to convince them that they need to organize their internal system before they grow any larger (but I'm not getting anywhere with that one)... I think my purpose of being at that office is over with. Once I leave they'll go back to being disorganized and dirty, things won't get done on time or at all (especially the things that need to get done on time), the kitchen area will go back to being a dirty grimey mess, and things will start to pile up again on top of all the file cabinets. They'll return to a life of not being up-to-date on the technology side of the field... and I just hope that they realize everything I suggested to them is what they should have done when they had the chance to do it cheaper... when it was much easier and they weren't so big.
I shouldn't worry about it. It's not my concern. Not anymore. Dad's given up control of the company to Brian, Mark and David. He only steps in when he doesn't agree with them. He doesn't seem to care so why should I?
God, I am so pissed off at the male gender. Not all men, mind you. Just the older men who help keep women down via the glass ceiling. The traditionalists like Mark and my dad. Good men, but very chauvenistic. I'm not a good person. I'm not like my dad. I can't be kind to everyone, and I can't give away my money to just anyone who needs it. I can't be friends with someone, and just sit there when they make snide rude comments about homosexuals or women. What kind of person would that make me? Granted, I wouldn't dis a woman because I am one. But I'm not gay, and I wouldn't dis a homosexual if my life depended on it. If I were to ever hear them make those snide comments around me, I would speak up. That is, if my parents weren't around. I know if I said something with my parents around I'd get a tongue lashing like you wouldn't believe.
They say they love my brother, Scott. I know they do. But if they really loved him, and they really accepted him for who he is, they wouldn't be ashamed to let their so called friends know about his sexual preferences. They would stand up for him and other men and women like him when their friends bash them. They would let Scott hold hands with Tom in public or go about doing the whole relationship thing like a heterosexual couple can do.
And people wonder why I'm not ready to be in a relationship, why I hide my relationships from my family and friends, why I prefer to be private and keep things to myself. It's why, when I'm at the office.. I don't talk about myself. I talk about my family and what they're up too, but I don't ever include what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I don't want them to know. They don't need to know. And if I ever fall in love, then that's between my lover and I. Not the office. Not my dad's business friends.
It's just too difficult. Too many people rush into relationships only to find out they have nothing in common later on down the road. They get divorced. Sometimes they have children hoping the child will keep them together or help them work out their problems, but it only creates another problem to be dealt with. Some people are mature enough to be friends and maintain open relationships with their former spouse for the child while others turn their ex significant other into a monster so their child hates them. And then you get somebody who cheats on their girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife, and decides that they are in love with two different people for different reasons. And there are assholes and bitches out there who beat up on their spouses and/or children as if taking a fist to their body will solve what's making them feel all out of control... Or you get a man who stalks you, won't let you keep in contact with your children or family because he's jealous of them being in your life as important figures... and he withdraws you away from all your friends, puts you down so badly that your self-esteem plummets.. and when you finally hit rock bottom.. you have such a low self-opinion of yourself that you assume the only one you can turn to is him... so you surrender yourself completely to him, all destroyed and battered with your spirit missing.
And the list goes on. If I were to give birth to a child, I'd be risking the chance that they'd be born with my anxiety problems. I'd be risking the chance that I'd be immune and numb to their emotional well being, possibly placing them in a situation where somebody I know molests them.. and I'm blind to it because it happened to me and I can't see the signs. I'd be bringing a life into the world that may end up with severe depression, could possibly be so upset with life that they kill themself... or they struggle endlessly with trying to find a purpose to their existence.. not knowing how to go about finding it because I made all the decisions for them in their past. I never let them be an individual. I never let them grow freely. They would be dependent upon me like a baby bird in a nest... And when they were ready to venture off and fly, I'd be afraid for them so I'd clip their wings.
Why am I going off on this? It doesn't even matter. I haven't even met somebody worth dating a couple of times, let alone getting married to them for life.
Ah, to hell with it all. I'm going back to bed.
