4:21 AM - Sunday, Oct. 31, 2004
5 for my loneliness
I can't sleep. And here I thought it was 5 AM because all my clocks say 5 AM, but my computer clock has reminded me that the times have changed. I am SO not looking forward to changing all the clocks back. I have 10 of them to change. Well, I guess that's not too many.
Anyhow, I was watching TV trying to get tired when I heard a really strange noise coming from the kitchen. Normally I'd assume it was the cat, but she was on top of me. She jerks up and looks oddly towards the kitchen, too. When she did that, it made my heart skip a beat. Especially since it sounded like somebody was walking on the carpet in my living room. I tried to call Cory because he's the only phone number I know by heart. My cell phone was in the kitchen with everybody elses phone numbers on them, and I wasn't about to jump out of bed to get it in case somebody like BTK was waiting for me around the corner.
Minutes tick by slowly and the cat is still acting spooky. My heart is pounding and I literally start shaking. I really need to stop watching A&E and Court TV. I watched a show about a stalker/rapist who would break into the homes of the women he stalked and force them to have sex with him. Anyhow, I tried Cory again and left him a message to call me as soon as he got the message. I seriously needed somebody to talk to me while I searched the house. A lot of good that did. He didn't call back. I searched the house, tears streaming down my face because I was THAT shook up, holding the cat tightly to me as if she'd protect me from some unwanted force. After I saw the house was empty, I called Cory back and told him, "Nevermind about calling back. I won't be here." Then I curled up underneath my blankets like I used to do when I was a kid - as if curling up completely underneath them protected me from all the evils in the world. But instead of feeling the comfort I used to feel as a child, I couldn't stop crying.
So I prayed to my grandparents to protect me, to watch over me, and to help calm me down enough so I could sleep. Within a few minutes of praying to them, I felt a calmness come over me as if somebody were inside my body stroking my heart and calming it down. I was able to stop trembling and crying, but I still couldn't fall asleep.
Thoughts entered my mind.... about the people in my life, the people no longer in my life, the people I have yet to meet... and I asked myself, "Since when did you become so closed off to the world?" And I knew it was when I needed a vacation from the gossip and the drama of the people around me. And I hesitate to enter into that world again. I find myself immune inside sometimes, no longer full of apathy for those who are less fortunate. I'm talking about the people who will use you for your money, your car, or whatever else they can get their hands on... the ones who treat you like shit unless they want something from you... the ones who play victim to society when in reality they victimize society. The ones who gossip and let their talks be full of spite over petty things that don't even really matter. And because I can't seem to befriend somebody lately, I find myself feeling extremely alone.
I no longer chat. I never even peek into the chatroom anymore. I never log onto any chat messenger. The only person I talk to on the phone on a regular basis is Ryan. Casey has stopped calling - perhaps because I'm no longer the woman I used to be who wanted to satisfy him completely. Cory and I talk some, but not as much as I'm used to talking to people significant in my life. He says he talks to me more than anybody else, but that's him. Not me. I seem to be shutting myself away from almost everyone and I don't know why. I fear being asked out. I fear going to the movies even with people I used to be comfortable with... or out to eat with them. The only people I feel comfortable enough to go anywhere with is my family, and even sometimes I hesitate to venture out with them, too. I don't know what's come over me. I don't know if this is just a phase I'm going through. I don't know if my mind and body are telling me I need to be alone for awhile or what... but I do know that when I find myself ready to adventure back into the world of the living.. it's going to be extremely difficult and hard to know how to socialize with people again. I don't know how I used to do it, or if maybe I never did socialize with people and they just attached themselves to me and I accepted that because I preferred it that way. I just don't know. If that made any sense at all.....
And I know that recently I started to let my emotions take a hold of me where Cory is concerned. I can't do that. He's a thousand miles away or something. The probability of a relationship beyond friendship working out with him is in the lower percentile. I should learn from my past. Of all the relationships I allowed myself to get into online, none of them panned out. And in order for me to maintain my friendship with Cory and not let it die or be destroyed in anyway... I can't allow it to go any further. I can't call him up in the middle of the night when I need somebody to talk to anymore. Most of the time he doesn't even answer his phone... and half of those times he doesn't call back until days later anyhow. If I need emotional support that I can't seem to give myself and the cat can't comfort... then I'll just have to force myself out into the world of Kansas to find somebody to befriend and perhaps develop a stronger relationship with. That way they can spend the night over here in the guest room or in my bed and I won't have to freak out late at night anymore... and I won't have to depend on somebody who can't be there for me when I need them the most.
Besides, I'm fucked up. Everytime I get this emotional I want to cut myself. That makes me think of that Betty Boop like character on Drawn Together. I guess I'm that Betty Boop character. Except I slash my arms instead of my thighs. I haven't slashed my arms in a year and a half though... and I probably never will again, but that doesn't mean the thought doesn't cross my mind from time to time. It's an addiction once you get started. It's kind of like some people's addiction to alcohol or drugs. You come to depend on the action to relieve what you can't control. Instead of hurting somebody else, I hurt myself. Who wants to be with somebody like that? I know I wouldn't. But then I'm always trying to escape myself. It doesn't work though. No matter how hard I try to run away from me... there I am.
I better log off now. It's now 5 AM, I have a terrible headache, I can't stop feeling sorry for myself... and I need to blow my nose. Hard.
