9:09 AM - Thursday, Nov. 04, 2004
Seven for no tomorrow.
Hmmmm... I don't know if I like the new look of my journal or if I should just go back to that purple background. I guess I'll give this sunset look a chance and figure it all out later.
Went to Starbucks this morning to buy me some hot chocolate. The lady working the drive-thru couldn't hear me, but most people working drive-thru's can't. Do I speak THAT softly? I always feel like I have to scream my order out just to be heard.
I had the oddest dream last night. In the dream was Julia Roberts and she was pregnant... but in this dream she was playing a pregnant character, not actually pregnant like in real life. Her best friend was being played by Kate Hudson.. and Kate Hudson witnessed her murder done by a jealous rich man who thinks he can get away with everything.. He ran into Julia with his car while she was driving and forced her to crash... and he shoots one eyewitness point blank in the head and kills her, and does the same to Kate... but Kate lives. And suddenly Kate is a little girl but she goes back and forth between being the little girl and herself. And she's talking to Julia's ghost the entire time saying, "the only thing I remember is the two weeks before the accident... and the accident itself." And Kate and Julia's ghost have to prove who killed Julia.. but good news. Julia's baby survived the crash and is living with the grandparents who won't believe Kate... and maybe in my dream Julia's child was the one who saw Julia as a ghost and only her and Kate could see her? Hmmm... interesting. This would make a great movie plot.
I hate the fact that my hot chocolate goes cold so fast.
I have two poems to write up in here. One I wrote awhile back.. the other one I doodled out last night.
Last nights poem:
So full of contradictions.
Do you even know yourself?
You say you want him completely
but you fear him wanting you in return.
You say you love him
but you hate the way he makes you feel inside.
Does he treat you good enough?
Do you deserve better or worse?
Will he make you happy
or cause you to be sad?
Does he love you or does he hate you?
Does he want you or are they lies?
Does he think of you at all
or just when he wants something?
You expect him to save you
from this world and from this life
but you don't want to be dependent
on a superhero.
Is his forever for a lifetime
or is it just a year or two?
Is this heaven that you live in
or a hell of your own making?
So full of contradictions.
Do you even know yourself?
And one I wrote on 10/08/03:
There's a part of me that won't let go
thought I'm aching to break free
from this place that holds me by the hand.
And it seems a million years ago
since I believed in wishes
and could dance barefoot on a bed of glass,
Without getting hurt by you
and the things you do to me
when you breathe your words against my skin.
Minutes tick by slowly
so that the seconds feel like hours
but before I know it years have passed,
Through picture perfect moments
from faded photographic memories
I feel out of touch with everything.
So I can't tell you what is real
or whose to fault for who I am
because I'm lost within myself.
I was going to add these next few lines to it, but I wasn't sure if they fit with the poem or just took away from it...
Though I don't understand them
when your words float all around me
I'm separated not by choice.
And I can spend years searching
for the person I want to be
while you try to tell me how to act.
But even if I tried real hard
there's nothing I can do
to prove that I'm no different.
I actually went into the chatroom last night and struck up some conversations. There were at least 10 people in there that I knew from over the years... people who said they actually jumped into the room just to say hello to me when they saw me... people who kept asking me, "where have you been? I've missed you." And even people who said, "I've been gone awhile. It's good to see you're still around." And when I told them that I haven't really chatted in the room properly since May, they said, "it's a good thing I wasn't in here then. The place isn't worth coming too unless you're around." All these wonderful men with a way with words that can boost my ego like you wouldn't believe.
And of course there were the females who tried their best to put me down and ask "where in the hell did she come from?" Which only caused the men to stand up for me, even men whom I've never spoken too before.. and they said things like, "at least she's posting interesting things to read." and "Keep posting. Your posts are the only things worth reading in here." Which, of course, inflated the ego a bit more and caused those particular females to shrink away out of sight. The entire experience was amusing.
They asked me to return soon and not be such a stranger. We'll see how I feel later on. I mean, it is getting extremely cold outside so I may just prefer spending my time inside chatting instead of freezing my ass off outside.
Let's see... what else is there? besides the fact that I am freezing...
Oh yeah. I did the strangest thing last night. I planned my funeral. I wrote out in detail what I want to be done when I die. I want white roses, fire and ice roses, a cherry wood coffin with brass handles, and a headstone that's pinkish red in color. I want this music played: 1. Leaving on a Jetplane by John Denver, 2. The Memories You Gave Me by Peter Schmidt, 3. Rest Easy by Audio Adrenaline, 4. Wind of My Soul by Cat Stevens and I'm sure I'll be able to come up with one more sometime. I want at least five specific songs played, but they have to mean something to me in life and have a specific message in them as these songs do. And whoever knows me well enough will understand the music and the songs and why I picked them. And I either want a specific Scottish saying placed on my headstone, or my own words picked out by those closest to me who go through my poetry and writings and find the perfect piece to be placed there. Or maybe I could come up with the perfect saying to be placed on the headstone before I die? Hmmm.... now there's an idea. I should get to work on that. You never know when you're going to pass away.
I would have my "life" CD played at my funeral, but some of the music isn't church friendly. I mean, my parents and family would wonder why in the world I wanted TLC's Unpretty played out specificially.. or Fast Car by Tracy Chapman. I mean, when I'm at a funeral and somebody plays music like that during the church service, I wonder about it. So maybe the family could just print off my life CD and hand it out to the people who actually come to mourn my death or something. Not that many people would show up. In fact, I only expect my family and their close friends to make an appearance.
Well, time to get to work before I start banging my head on the desk in frustration.
