10:19 AM - Wednesday, Nov. 10, 2004
This is the life I couldn't live without?
Well, I've decided to keep this background. Ryan told me last night that he really liked it, and that it was much better than the lavendar color I used before. I have to agree, not because I can't think for myself.. but because the orange grows on you.
Oh, how ironic. I started this entry at 10:19 (my birth date, and my old apartment number). Does that mean something? Or is it merely a coincidence?
I went to the chiropractor last night so he could check out my arm and ears. My ears are much better than before but the right one is still SLIGHTLY full of liquid. And as for the arm? Well, I have carpal tunnel in my right wrist and the entire right arm is strained. Let's just say that when you can normally move your arm so far one way... well, I could only move that arm half way until last night. And now it's in DIRE pain today, but he warned me it would be. Especially if I didn't ice it, which I didn't. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
*stares at the Teddy Bear Allen sent me* It's SO cute. It brightens up my work day. It's a little brown bear with a red bow around it's neck. I think I'll name him Fuzzy Wuzzy.
Yesterday I looked up plane tickets from Wichita to Minneapolis. It was $260 something for a round trip. Is that expensive? I wouldn't know. Normally my parents pay for my plane tickets anywhere. When I mentioned this to Cory last night on the phone, he said, "I've been thinking...." And we all know that when people have been thinking, it's not a positive thing normally. Then he said, "I think I should still come down there because we have to break in your new house." Now, I don't mind that one bit... but it made ME start to THINK.. and of course, my thoughts weren't very positive. "Is he afraid to introduce me to his friends? Is he ashamed of me already?" And the list of questions that will remain unanswered continued on.
I felt like I was taken back in time to my junior high days suddenly.. where I felt so awkward and out of place. I've always suffered from low self-esteem, which I can hide pretty well when I want too. It's probably one of the reasons I prefer to be by myself and have only 3 good friends instead of 20 something acquintances.
I tried to mention the fact that it would be better for me to come up there over New Years if nothing else works out, but he almost seemed hesitant about it. I don't know if I'm reading too far into it, or what. Maybe he was just tired from working all day, or maybe he's just as scared as I am that once we meet in person, this relationship could possibly be over. He made it a point to say that he's not thinking that far in advance just in case things don't pan out between us, which only made me feel slightly stupid for even thinking that this man would be a part of my life forever even if we weren't attracted to each other in person.
He keeps making references to the fact that he's promiscuous, that this is the reputation he has up there. He also told me about some girl he was dating, but it ended just as fast as it began. This doesn't bother me. After all, we aren't together. You have to continue to live your life, right? What did bother me, however, for only a moment of course... was the fact that it's almost as if he has to convince me that with him there are no gauruntees. That's how it is in life, Cory. Nothing is gaurunteed.
Anyhow, I signed up at eharmony.com. I haven't completely submitted myself, but I've filled out all the information so when the day comes when I'm ready to go further, I'll have it all ready to do so. If that all just made sense.
I'm trying to continue typing here while Greg shuffles through the mail and just sort of stands there messing with the stuff. No, he can't just put his piece of mail down in the "outgoing mail" box. He has to shuffle through all the mail. I wonder if he's looking over at me while I'm doing all of this.
I don't know what to think anymore. I wish I didn't think so much sometimes. I wish I weren't sensitive to the things people like him say to me when they're just being truthful about the given situation.
I thought about what it would feel like meeting him at the airport for the first time, how nervous I would be. I know I'd start to stutter, and I'd probably giggle a lot and have a stupid smile on my face.. and I know for a fact I'd fidget a lot until I felt more comfortable. It's part of my shyness. Or maybe I won't smile, but squint at him with a serious "I'm not sure about you" kind of look. I don't know.
Ah, forget it. I'm sick of thinking about it.
My mom and I went to lunch yesterday at Watermark Books Cafe. We were looking over the WSU schedule to see what I could take while still maintaining a full time job at the office. I noticed a heading that said something like, Death and Dying. I was joking, but I said, "There you go. There's the career for me. I already have years of experience with that." And well, it was under the Gereantology section, which is what people have been trying to get me to go into for years and years. Ironic, eh? Maybe I'm meant to work with the elderly and help people deal with death and dying? I guess only the future has the answer to that one.
Ack. I better get to work. Plus.. I really gotta pee.
