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2:04 PM - Friday, Nov. 19, 2004
perfect, shiney... and new.
Scott and Tom left this morning to return to Boston. I was supposed to go back into work, but decided against it. I kind of like having this time off. It's helping me reflect on the things that I seriously need to change in my life, one of them being my job.

Yesterday, Scott and Tom and I went to see The Grudge. At first I was terribly confused on what the story line was attempting to tell me, but after awhile I caught on. I had only one main problem with the movie. I don't think they did a very good job of bringing forth most of the backstory. Or maybe it just wasn't horrific enough. I spent the majority of the movie thinking, "you have the kid, the cat, and the wife all killing these people. Why? You would think that it was the husband who would be killing them all. And why was Sarah Michelle Gellar the one who was able to live the longest out of all of them. Why didn't she die faster?" Of course, logic would say so that you could have a movie... but they do need to explain these things a bit for some of us who need the details of a story only the book can tell you.

After that, we stopped by Barnes & Knoble to pick up a book for Scott. It was called, What's the Matter with Kansas? I decided to get myself the book, so after we went to Angie and Brian's for dinner and I played with the kids quite a bit and put little Allison to sleep... we went over to Borders by my house and I bought the book for myself. I can't wait to read it.

Anyhow, after that.. Scott, Tom and I met Jenny at the Warren to go see The Seed of Chucky. Definitely not my first pick, but it was a movie Tom and Scott really wanted to see. Jenny and I wouldn't have gone to it if it hadn't of been for them. We're more into... well.. less cheesey movies. When the movie was over, all I could think was.. "Oh my god. What a stupid movie! I don't think I've ever seen a movie this stupid before in my life." It was more hilarious than scary. On the plus side, I didn't waste any money to go see it. I used up my free movie pass.

Now, I like going to the movies.. but two in one day really did me in. I think it was all that sitting around in the dark drinking Dr. Pepper. I do, however, want to see the new Bridge Jones movie, Ladder 49, National Treasure, and Ray. If Jenny and Jeff have to work, I might just go by myself. I'll go to Ladder 49 and Ray first since they're older.

I want a camera for Christmas. An actual camera... the kind that is used by bona-fide photographers. We'll see if I get one for Christmas or not. I also want to take a class in drawing, a pottery class, and guitar lessons. I think one of the reasons I've been so depressed lately is because I haven't been tapping into my creative side. All the stuff I do at work is for the logically minded, the kind of people who love to work with numbers and problem solving. I'd prefer to paint, draw, write, decorate, organize, and well.. be creative. And while the new building could have offered me the opportunity to express my creative side, it's not.

I feel extreme anxiety over this new place, and I figure it's because I feel as if I'm not in control of anything. Granted, I'm not meant to be in control of anything... but for some reason it really frustrates the hell out of me knowing that I don't have a say in ANYTHING at all... when I could be giving them wonderful ideas and insights in how to improve their business and their building. When I expressed these frustrations to my mother she said, "They're having problems growing from a small company into a large one. It's all growing pains." She also said something like, "Don't sweat it. Let them make their own mistakes and regret later on that they didn't listen."

She's right. It's not MY building. It's not MY company. It's not MY problem. So why can't I get rid of this frustration and anxiety I feel over this place?

I need to get the hell out of there. I need somebody to rescue me. I seriously do. I don't think I'll be able to leave on my own anytime soon. The feeling of guilt would be too strong. Nope... somebody needs to come and give me a real good reason to leave so I don't feel like I'm letting my family down.

So where is that person? Where is that sign? Where is that new life that's just waiting for me?

 

 

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