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1:40 PM - Tuesday, Nov. 23, 2004
with the shape of an L on her forehead
My goodness, it's been two hectic days so far at the office. I'm taking a breather from the amount of work that's piled up since I went on vacation.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is almost here. It seems like I just celebrated the 4th of July last week. Okay, more like last month... but still.

I am completely frustrated right now. It seems that this company has a way of pissing me off due to it's lack of organization. Either that, or I'm an organization freak and I need to learn to handle messes. I wonder if they offer classes in how to not be so anal retentive to orderliness. I highly doubt it, but then you never know.

I had a long night on Sunday. I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me. I spent a good portion of the night tossing and turning. About 2 AM I gave up and went into the living room to watch the telly. I heard that if you can't fall asleep, the last thing you want to do is spend time in that spot. So I had me some milk, watched a bit of The Cosby Show and Wings on Nick @ Nite, and tried to force drowsiness upon me. Around 3 AM, I still couldn't fall asleep. I picked up Ashley, dragged her to bed with me and prayed the rosary - something I haven't done in years. I finally found myself feeling good about life and wanting to fall asleep.

I decided something major that night. I told God.. I said, "Not that I should be making deals with you, but... if six months from now I still haven't found myself, my contentment, and somebody to share this life with... I will become a nun." Yes, a nun. Seriously. I'm not laughing, so neither should you be. And it's odd.. but ever since I made that deal with God.. and ever since I actually prayed the rosary.. I've had this odd feeling in my cheekbones... I mean, I'm not smiling completely right now, but my face wants to smile. I can feel a smile just trying to escape. Isn't that just strange? Who would have thought that you could feel that sort of feeling in your cheeks just around your lips? And not that I've suddenly become holy or anything... but there is a strange aura I feel surrounding me. It's as if there is a warmth enveloping me. I can't explain it any other way.

I've also dones some pretty strange things the last couple of days. Things that aren't strange to most people, but are strange to me. Nice things. Nice things I haven't done in eons. Nice things that used to define the type of person I once was but haven't been for a good five years now. Nice things like sending out birthday cards, asking people how they are doing instead of saying nothing at all, wanting to donate money to charitable causes, and feeling a deep desire to appreciate the relationships in my life as much as possible. Like... I got mad at the company today, and after I took some of that anger out on Brian (the poor poor dear brother-in-law), I went back to his area and said, "I am so sorry. I can't help it sometimes. Especially when I'm hungry - and I'm dying of hunger right now." Before I would have sat and fumed about it, allowing some form of paranoia to grow inside of me whereas today I actually just wanted to make ammends and apologize for my behavior.

What is going on here? Well, I haven't a clue.. but the feeling is wonderful and I truly don't want to lose it. I want to feel a smile tugging at my lips all the time, and I want to feel a warmth surrounding me. It's a good feeling. Maybe I need to pray the rosary more often? Maybe I need to start going back to church again? Maybe I need to focus on finding my spirituality now?

Now.. to get back to work. So much to do. So little time.

 

 

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