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9:02 PM - Friday, Nov. 26, 2004
Everything's gonna be all right....
Well, a lot of stuff has been going on the last three days. It's why I haven't had the time to be able to sit down and write something out.

First of all, we had a meeting on Wednesday morning at work. Basically, Brian handed out surveys to everyone. We have to fill them in and return them by the 17th of December. I've been reading through the questions, but I haven't been able to answer any of them yet. There's too much I want to say, and I don't want to word it wrong. I have to think about it for a long time before I start to jot everything down. It's a survey that asks us how well we like our jobs, what we would like to change, and just questions regarding all the issues I've been bitching about for the last three years to him.

Wednesday was an okay day at work. I ended up getting depressed sometime in the afternoon, though. Even though I seem to be paving the way for the company to improve for all the people in it on certain levels, it seems to never benefit me. I know that sounds selfish and that I should be happy I'm improving the quality of work life for other people... but I'd like to be able to reap the benefits of my hard work, too. It's like planting a seed and watering it, but only being able to watch it grow from afar while everyone else gets to enjoy the beauty of whatever it is you planted. I don't know. Maybe I am being too selfish here.

Later that night, I received a phone call from Cory while I was doing my laundry. He said he was meeting some of his good friends and going out with them. Earlier in the week he had said the same thing. I can't remember if it was Sunday, Monday or Tuesday... but he had called me and said, "I can't talk to you tonight until much later because I have plans with my friends tonight. I'll try to call you when I get home but it won't be until late." About 45 minutes later, he calls me back. I said, "That was pretty quick." He went on to tell me that he got stood up. Stood up? His friends didn't show up? Turns out he had a date that night and the girl he was meeting at the bar stood him up. Except, she was actually at the bar, just sitting at a table with two other guys. He tried to call her cell phone, but she wasn't picking it up or answering it. Turns out she forgot to bring it with her btw, and that she didn't want to walk around the bar looking for him.

As the conversation continued forward, he let it slip that he's been dating this girl for three weeks. While he was telling me this, she calls him on the phone. He tells me he has to take the phone call and he'll call me back later. I was fed up with it all by then so I just went back to sleep. I was woken up a good hour or two later, and informed about how he basically gave her the third degree and yadda yadda yadda. The next day he calls me and lets me know that she stopped by in the morning to talk to him and apologize.

Is it obvious only to me, or does she have bona-fide feelings for him? What girl would stop by some guy's house to apologize unless they felt something for the man? Especially if she supposedly stood him up the night before? I told him this and he said, "That's too bad. It's over."

So... later on that night he calls me and tells me he's meeting his friends at the bar but he'll call me later. I didn't expect him to call, so I set about finishing up my laundry and stuff. Fortunaely for me Ryan called.

I talked to Ryan on the phone for a good five hours. It was actually 5 hours, 1 minute and 17 seconds to be exact. I know because my phone told me so. It was a good conversation, and I was actually able to fall asleep without tossing and turning that night. He's a good friend. I sure do like the 'yan man, I do.

Anyhow, about an hour after we got off the phone, Cory calls me and wakes me up... jars me from a peaceful sleep. He's pretty drunk, and he's like, "Sorry I can't talk to you right now, but there's a lot of drama going on here right now. I'll take care of it and call you back later." I was tempted to tell him to not call back later but maybe the next day instead. I mean, I was tired. I was actually able to sleep peacefully, and I didn't really want to be bothered at 4 or 5 in the morning when I knew I had to wake up and go to my parents house for Thanksgiving later that day. He hung up to go take care of his drama before I could even say those words, though.

SO what did I do? I went back to sleep. Hell, how was I to know if he'd even call me later on or not anyhow? But he did. Woke me up from a deep sleep, actually. I was filled in on what the drama was. Believe me it wasn't something I really wanted to hear, but how do you tell your friend that? So I listened to it all, bit my tongue and my lip, and kind of took it as best I could considering the circumstances. I know he hung up on me again, because I woke up to the phone rining AGAIN. I remember saying, "Oh my god. Did I hang up on you?" And he goes, "No. No you didn't." SO I wonder if I fell asleep on him... or maybe I don't remember the ending of the conversation we had prior to the third phone call because I fell asleep during it but was still functioning as if I was awake.

We ended up getting into a huge argument over the drama, and he made a snippy remark where he said, "Maybe I should just become a priest!" I told him I knew that was sarcastic towards the fact that I'm considering becoming a nun, but oddly the rude comment didn't hurt. I didn't say much while he went on and on about how he deserves what karma throws his way, how he's selfish, how I shouldn't waste my time on him, and all sorts of other stuff... when I did reply, I told him maybe he should give that girl he's been dating for three weeks a second chance, to not let the idea of me in the future keep him from moving any relationship further. He insisted that he wants to wait and see what happens with us before he gets into a real relationship with some girl... which is all nice and good.. but if that's the case then he's playing with some girl's emotions there.

He let it slip that he's had sex with this girl. Three weeks into dating a girl and he's doing her. What I don't understand is ... if I mean so much to him, why can't he keep his penis in his pants? I'm not with him. I can't control him. I don't want to control him. But we've spent months developing an intimate friendship that's supposed to lead to something more hopefully... but now I don't think I can even hope for that. Not if he can't sustain from sex for even one month, let alone two weeks. Not if he's still emotionally attached to women from his past. Not if he's taking ONE girl out specifically for more than one date. Not if he's having sex with this girl more than just your usual one night stand. Not if he expects me to continue to be his "girl," there for him when he needs me to be... while he's not there for me when I need somebody and he's messing around with other women.

I don't know what's happened over the last couple of days, but something's different. It's almost like I was blind to all of this because I care about him so much. But once he told me he was dating this chick, sleeping with this chick, and it's been more than just a one night stand but going on for three wholes weeks!? something inside me changed. Sure, I felt like I'd been cheated on, even though... I'm not really being cheated on since we're not together. I felt like somebody had sucker punched me in the gut and decided to confirm the fact that even my best friend can rip my heart out and break it in two.

I don't know. I love him. I really do. I care about him a lot... but I have to look out for myself, you know? I told him I'll always be his friend and that I'll be here for him whenever he needs me. But... I don't know. I need a break for awhile to evaluate my feelings on this matter, and to figure out whether or not I'm dead inside. It's almost like the moment he told me these things I went numb inside. Sure, I cried. Who wouldn't? I'm not immune to emotional pain. I'm just sick of getting emotionally attached to men, working hard on maintaining a friendship/relationship with them only to get hurt over and over and over again.

I don't need the drama people can bring into your life. I don't want to be around people who create drama in order to stir things up. I don't like the games people play with each other, especially when it comes to the dating game or wreaking havoc on one's emotions. I don't want to be involved with someone who is going to toy with mine, and I don't want to ever be caught up in the game to the point where I toy with his. I'm too old for that high school crap.

If I'm going to date a man, it's going to be something serious. It's not going to be something that I do just to be with somebody. I'd rather be alone than lie next to somebody in bed I'm not in love with. I'd rather die celibate than have sex with random men I don't have any emotional attachment for. I don't want to make love to a man I don't love. I don't want to sleep with a person I don't really know. If I ever meet a guy worthy enough of marrying, he's going to be my friend first and foremost. He's going to respect me and my emotions. He's not going to go shopping for other kinds of candy, but see me as the only candy in the store. He won't play emotional mind games with me. He'll want a family, and he'll be man enough to step up and be the man of the family, working hard to give me and the children a life full of warmth, love, happiness, and support. There won't be room for doubt. If I get hurt, it won't be on purpose but by accident. And he'll always communicate with me about everything, never holding anything back because he'll love me and trust me enough to fall back and depend on me when he needs me... and I want to be able to do the same with him.

I think, honestly, that the next man who comes into my life that I date seriously is going to be the man who becomes my partner in life and the father of my children. Whether or not that feeling is correct, only time will tell.

I know that nothing in life is for certain, that things happen to change the course of ones life for the worst or for better. I know that you can't always get what you want, either. But deep down inside of me, I have a feeling that everything's going to be okay. It doesn't matter how frustrated I get, how depressed I feel at times, how full of anxiety and worry I become. It doesn't matter if I become a nun, a nurse, a writer, or even a stripper at some Las Vegas resort. It doesn't matter if I die single and childless, married with 10 children, or widowed. What happens, happens. What's meant to happen will come to be. I'm tired of worrying about it. I'm tired of being pressured to worry about it. I'm tired of being stigmatized for leading a "culturally or morally" different lifestyle than those around me see as right... but most of all I'm tired of allowing these things control me. I just want to wake up and live for the moment. Forget about the past. Forget about the future. I want to live in the here and now, even if the here and now isn't everything I've dreamt it to be.

And you know... even if I grow old and never get married, never bare a child, never travel to Europe, never write a novel, never experience death defying events to test my limits, or never become the woman I could be... I know that in the end none of it will matter. I could buy all the material possessions in the world, but they won't go to the grave with me. I could make a million dollars, but it won't be worth anything to me when I'm dead. I could lose everything I've ever loved or owned.. but people won't be with me forever, and the things won't be mine forever anyhow.

So.. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: It really is going to be okay, no matter where I end up in life or how I choose to live my life, and no matter what I get done versus what I do accomplish. What matters is my family and friends. What matters is right now. And right now... I really want to go to bed.

 

 

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