11:32 AM - Thursday, Dec. 16, 2004
I wish I could be a fly on your wall.
Well, I had a very interesting time last night. I opted to babysit for Angie and Brian instead of going to the office Christmas party. Good thing I did, too. I hear the office party was terribly boring. Ha ha ha! I'm shocked since everyone gets free alcohol at the thing. Anyhow, as I was saying... I babysat the kids. They were very well behaved until the last fifteen minutes. That's when I had to feed little Allison her bottle. Let's just say that within those fifteen minutes, the children wrecked the house. They literally knocked things off the walls, smashed bananas into the carpet, rearranged the living room furniture, threw around crayons and paper, AND filled up Allison's newly clean baby bottles with water and juice so they could pretend to be babies, too. Okay. So maybe that didn't take only fifteen minutes to do. Maybe it was more like 30, but you get my drift.
After my experience with the children, I went home and climbed straight into bed. I just wanted to go right to sleep.
I received some christmas cards in the mail this week. One was from Joe and Diane (my sister's in-laws), one was from Allen and Jon (two wonderful brothers who are my friends 4 life), and one was from David. Yes, David. I guess we are on good terms with each other now, which is fine with me. He's a pretty good guy.
I went and saw the construction of the new building yesterday. It's definitely a lot more space than what we have here. I was able to see my new office, although I couldn't imagine what it would be like with furniture inside of it. The Geology side definitely has offices twice the size of the Accounting side. I wonder how fair that is. I did fill out my survey that Brian handed everyone, and I believe I handled it quite maturely. I told them how I felt, using sentences such as, "I feel that...." and "I believe that.... and it makes me feel...." That's something my soon-to-be retired shrink taught me. Oh, I don't want her to retire. I haven't seen her since June, but I can't imagine going to anyone else.
On the plus side, things are rather laid back at the office this week. I should knock on wood right about now. There, I knocked on my desk. I'm able to catch up with all the things I fell behind on over vacation while still doing my everyday work that comes in with the morning mail. Tis a good thing, I say... a very good thing.
My dad's been treating me really well lately. He doesn't take his frustration out on me as much. Not since I basically said, "Look, you don't seem to treat me like a daughter here, but you also don't treat me as an employee, either. I feel as if you take your frustration towards them out on me, yet, I also feel as if you treat them ten times better than you treat me. Whose going to be around longer in your life? Me or them? I would hope me, seeing that I'm related to you and all." I know I didn't say it just like that, but that's the gist of it. Maybe it caused him to evaluate things from my perspective a bit?
I haven't talked to Lee or Casey in awhile. I did talk to Casey for a few days in a row about two weeks ago. He left me messages on my cell phone basically saying, "I guess you don't want to talk to me. Well, have a good life, then." I hate it when people do that. They automatically assume that I don't want to speak to them just because I wasn't around to answer my phone, or I had my cell phone off, or I was dealing with a very mad situation that made me want to avoid everyone around me. Plus, I was PMSing, which is probably why I felt anti-social and bitchy. But I SO hate it when people are depressed and they think the world hates them when people don't jump to take care of their down side. I shouldn't be hating it. I shouldn't be saying this. I was probably just like that when I was severely depressed.
Nic's been out of the country for awhile now. At least two months now? I wonder if he's back in Canada yet. I knew he was going to be gone for the month of November, but it's almost the end of December. Was he going to be gone for the rest of 2004? He hasn't posted in his journal, hasn't e-mailed me, and I don't know if he's tried to call or not. I should go buy myself a non-digital answering maching. I mean, this digital one pisses me off. That's why I disconnected it. So now I can't screen my phone calls when a number I don't recognize pops up, or I miss calls when I'm not at home and perhaps they want to leave me an important message. Hmmmm...... I hope he's okay.
Some days I want Cory more than anything in the world. Some days I just want to be left alone. But it seems that every single day, he crosses my mind at some point or another. Sometimes I feel as if I'm setting myself up in a hopeless situation, and other times I feel as if he's the one for me and all we're waiting on is the right time for things to take place. Sometimes I think we're made for each other and that there isn't another person out there who can move me the way he does, affect me the way he does, or be as compatible to me in all ways. Then there are times when he says certain things, and I wonder... "Do I want that? Do I really want that?" And I think, "No, I don't." and then other times I think, "Oh yes.. yes, I do." And I feel detached from him during those moments when I think, "My god. We're not made for each other."
What do I want? What do I want out of life? Where do I want to be in ten years? In five years? What do I want to accomplish? Am I satisfied with my life so far? What do I expect from myself? What should I expect from myself?
It's almost as if life just happens while you're sitting back planning on what to do with your life. Didn't John Lennon say something like that? Something like, "Life is what happens while you're busy planning other things," or something very close to that? I can't remember. I'm pretty sure he did say something quite like that.
So what is it that I want? What do I really really really really want?
I want to be thinner. I want to be able to wear a size 6 or smaller. Will this ever happen? I highly doubt it, but it's something I've wanted ever since I hit puberty.
My god. I just sat here for a good five minutes attempting to come up with more than that, and that's all I can come up with. I mean, there are times when I'm lonely and I wish I had someone by my side.. but for the most part, I'm very content by myself. I always think, "would I be able to share my bed with someone? Would I be able to give up half my closet space? Would I be willing to put up with their bad habits? Could I handle sharing MY stuff and sacraficing my desires and choices to help satisfy his?" Perhaps if I met the right man, I wouldn't be thinking these thoughts.
Anyhow, I have my cat, my own house, a nice car, really beautiful furniture, nice clothes, enough money to pay my bills and mortgage with enough left over to spend casually without worry, a supportive family who takes care of me, good health (minus the bouts of depression that hit at random), and I'm not fighting for my life or really suffering in any way. So I have nothing to complain about. I should be happy I've been so blessed thus far. And because of this, I should be doing more for other people. I don't think donating money and old clothes to charity is good enough. I don't think holding the door open for someone, smiling at them and saying hello, or helping them with random things is good enough. It's definitely something worth doing and I won't stop doing that... but there has to be more to do. There just has to be. But, honestly, I'm not dedicated enough to run off and join the peace corp. Maybe one day I'll wake up and say to myself, "I think I'll join the peace corp today." And then I'll just go do it, but for now... I think I'll let things come to me until I figure out what in the world I'm doing with myself.
Well, I rambled on enough today. I need to get back to work here before people realize I've spent a good hour doing nothing but typing out a journal entry.
Until later.....
