3:35 PM - Monday, Dec. 20, 2004
Old Mr. Webster could never define...
I get to leave here in about 30 minutes. Not only is my brother in from Boston, but my cousin Mary is visiting from St. Louis. We're going to have dinner at my sister Angie's house, and then I don't know what's going on. I'm not feeling very well today. I may just head home, or if they want to go to the movies, I may do that with them. I just don't feel like visiting for too long.
It's been a pretty damn nice day today. The sun is out. It's 50 something degrees outside. Of course, it's supposed to get to be about 20 something degrees by Christmas, but hey... I won't complain about this excellent weather today. Scott was able to arrive home safely in it. He did have a layover in Minneapolis due to some ice-storm they're having up there, but all in all.. things are good.
Ryan called me last night. We had a pretty fun time chatting on the phone and playing in the chatroom yesterday. I don't think I've laughed that hard and for that long in a very long time. Whenever Ryan says he's going to call, he does. He's never failed to keep his word. That makes him extra special in my book. I do love talking to him. He's one of the only people in all the world that I can say the outright most obnoxious strange things and I know he won't take me seriously for them. And the fact that I can act like a moron, laugh like a moron, and just.. well, be a moron means I'm pretty damn comfy around him.
Cory said he'd talk to me sometime over the weekend. Did it happen? Nope. Do I care? Not anymore. I've gotten to the point where it doesn't matter anymore to me. It used to rattle my chain that he and Casey would say "I'll call you this day..." and they wouldn't keep their word. Now, it's to be expected. Sometimes, you just can't depend on people the way you would like too.
Ryan and I were talking about how I'm too nice to my exes. If two women he dated treated him the way my exes treated me, he wouldn't have anything more to do with them. He wouldn't open the wave of communication at all. Perhaps what I need to do is break all ties with all men from my past who have hurt me, or continue to hurt me. It would take a lot of strength and guts to go forward with this type of winter cleaning, but life is meant to be full of many challenges, is it not? I don't speak to these exes as much as the exes would like me too, but perhaps Ryan is right. Perhaps I shouldn't even be speaking to them at all.
The moment that I stopped caring whether Cory or Casey called me or not is the moment that I actually began to feel a bit more on the chipper side. Ryan's noticed it, too. He says I sound happier and not as stressed out, mad, or sad as I normally have in the past. Because I adore this good feeling so much, I am hesitant to speak with the people who tend to bring my spirits down a knotch. I need to knock on wood. I am not ready to lose this good spirited feeling. I know that one day it's going to go away and I will feel blah again, but that's also to be expected. Without these mood swings, these happy times wouldn't mean as much to me as they do.
Well, seeing that I only have five minutes before I get to leave, I'm going to start closing this entry up here. I just want to say one thing mainly... I've come to a decision about my life, and I know exactly what my 2005 New Year's Resolution is going to be. I'm going to strive to accept my body as it is, while working on changing my overall attitude towards the direction of my life. I may not have a complete balance (something every Libra craves - we are the scales, you know) in my lifestyle when it comes to doing what I'm supposed to do versus doing what I love to do, but I plan to change that. I am going to search for that balance.
Now, as for Cory and that whole situation? Cory is my dear friend. He always will be no matter what obstacles are thrown in our life paths. But as for furthering the relationship between Cory and I? For now, it's not going to happen. It may never happen, yet, it may. I don't know. I'm going to try to not think about it so much. I do know this, however. I want to be in a relationship. I want to get married to a kind man with a loving heart, and I want us to grow together raising a family. I want him to love me so much he could never even imagine that another woman even exists in that kind of way for him. And Cory continues to speak to me about how he's single because he wants variety in his women. He assumes I want variety too, but I don't. I never have. I never will. So.. I know that what I want out of life at this moment in time isn't the same as what he wants, and that alone is enough to keep us from becoming more.
