1:08 PM - Tuesday, Dec. 21, 2004
You'll always be my baby.
Okay.... I had a lot on my mind last night obviously. Especially after my phone conversation with Cory. But first, let me begin with everything that started this thought process.
Last night I ate pizza over at my sister Angie's house. My cousin Mary shows up with her new boyfriend Rich. He's a really nice guy, very outgoing, and quite comfortable around our family. I suddenly knew that if Mary is going to end up married to somebody, it's going to be this guy. I also knew that, even though they may end up happily married if you're going to look at the relationship optimistically, I could definitely see the two of them producing children and then getting a divorce. Now, I'm not trying to predict the future here... and Lord help me if I end up correct on this assumption, but I could completely see the future of my younger cousin before my eyes. And sadly, I know it's because her and her brother Andy have difficulty in relationships due to their own upbringing. Should I even be saying that?
Anyhow, that night I ended up playing with baby Allison. Everytime I said, "sing for me Allie," she would make an 'O' shape with her lips and attempt to make noises. I seriously think she was trying to sing for me. I held her for awhile and fed her a bottle, and the entire time she looked up at me, smiled at me a lot, and acted as if she knew who I was. And then she fell asleep in my arms for a good 45 minutes. At that particular moment in time, I knew that I wanted to have children. I wanted to take Allie home with me and make her mine. But then a dirty diaper set in, and poor little Allie also spit up some of her milk. I was like, "Okay. I love you dearly, but maybe I'm not ready to have a child of my own because I can't stand changing diapers."
Then I went home. I was feeling much better by this time. I fell asleep in my bed but woke up two hours later. I found Ryan talking to some people in The Pork and decided to inform him that it was his fault I couldn't get to sleep. It worked. He called me up on the telly (the phone, not the TV) and we spoke about many things, one of them being what I wrote in my diary yesterday.
He made a good point. One I had been thinking about in the back of my mind, but never have voiced outloud. I completely agreed with Ryan. Cory enjoyed being intimate with me because I posed no threat to him, and it allowed him to not only have someone to be intimate with, but it also gave him the opportunity to run around freely and date the variety of chicks he wants.
So last night, when Cory attempted to call for the second time, I said to Ryan that I better take the phone call because I wasn't looking forward to being woken up at 3 AM if I didn't take this one. I clicked over to the other line and spoke to Cory for a good few minutes before I started in on my thoughts.
I said something along the lines of this:
You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking over the weekend, and I've come to a conclusion. I honestly think that you enjoy being friends with me because it allows you to be intimate with someone while still having the freedom to do what you want elsewhere.
Do you know what he replied? He said, "That is a part of the attraction, yes." So, you see, he completely agreed with my bold statement.
I also went on to say something else I never would have thought I'd have the courage to voice. I said something like this:
I was holding my niece Allison tonight as she slept in my arms, and I couldn't help thinking about how much I would like to have a family. You may be in need of variety, but I'm not. I don't want variety. I want a relationship. I want to be completely intimate with somebody who finds me to be the only woman worth being with at any time. I know that the next man I get into a serious relationship is going to be the man that I either live with for a good portion of my life, or I marry.. and he'll definitely be the man I choose to have children with.
He went on to say something along the lines about how he wants a serious relationship, too. He wants to be completely intimate with only one person. He wants to have a family someday. He's just not ready to have one now.
In which I replied something like, I'm not ready to have a family right now, either. I'm just saying that I don't want to experience a good number of men. I want to only experience a completely erotic intimate physical emotional relationship with one man, and that's it. And the conversation developed from there, of course. I also made some comment about how it was okay for people to want variety and seek out variety in their lives, that I knew a lot of older single people who chose that lifestyle. It's just not a choice that I want for myself.
He made a comment about how he sometimes doesn't call me when he says he will, but kept insisting on the fact that I'm the person he speaks to the most out of anybody in the world. I told him... I said... You know, I have to admit this, but it used to upset me terribly when you or Casey would say that you'd call and neither of you did. And now that I don't care anymore whether the two of you keep your word or not, I feel so much better. It's nice not taking things as seriously, and it's a lot more burdenless. In which he replied this, "You know I love you, don't you?" I said I knew that and that I loved him too. He said, "You're my girl." And I said, "I know." But of course the I love you caught me off guard and caused me to get a bit too sentimental so that when I did say I know both of those times, it's almost as if my voice was about to crack.
He said he was going to call me tonight when he gets off work. I guess there's still a lot more left to say.
