7:40 PM - Tuesday, Jan. 11, 2005
Soul Searching... Slightly.
I didn't wake up until 9:00 today, getting me to work around 9:45. It's okay though. Only ONE check came in, so I didn't have any deposits to do. However, I did have to sit around for a long amount of time waiting for D. to go through the monthly checks before I could start to stuff them. It's a job I could easily do myself, but I have to remind myself.. I'm the #1 peon. So I played Zuma on the computer and answered the phones for a bit, taking a lunch break at 1:00 PM and then getting back to random stuffing around 2:00. I was in an ornery mood. Normally when I get into these moods, I end up doing something dramatic... like getting a tongue ring. But the most dramatic thing I did today was vocalize my honest opinions about the things I'm sick of, and I didn't really put 150% into my work. I even called up Ryan to talk to me while I did the most boring job in the world, tying up the phone line so I wouldn't have to answer the phones. I'm so devious.
I left work about 3:30 because I had my hair colored today. I left the mail and the deposits at work. I just walked out the door and said to myself, "I don't have time to do those things today so I'm not going to do them." I had a few glares from certain people, but I'm at the point where I just don't give a rat's ass anymore. I'm going to be happy for me. Screw them. They want to make the place feel like a concentration camp, well then.. let them live in a concentration camp. I'm going to go run around in a field of daisies instead.
When we move into the new building, I'm going to make my office a happy place to be. I'm also buying a desk that has locks on the drawers because I'd like a safe place to put my purse and some other personal things I don't want G. going through. This is all because I'm finding somebody has gone through my desk and taken some of my personal supplies. And I'm vocal about it too. I make sure everyone knows that somebody has been going through my desk, and I'm not very happy with that fact. My mom came up with a cool idea of painting my office walls pale yellow, but I don't know if my dad would allow that. We'll see. We move into the new building on Feb. 18th.
I didn't get home until 6:30. When I got home, I started to put everything away from Christmas, stuff that I just left in the boxes lying in the middle of the kitchen floor. I felt energized to restore some balance into my organized lifestyle. When I woke up this morning, I thought it was going to be a terrible day seeing that I woke up with my eyes swollen shut again. Strangely, it ended up being a rather nice day.. partially because I've gone through the entire day with a "Just go ahead and try" attitude. I hope I feel this way tomorrow. I know I'm going to become the target of various people's wrath the moment I walk through the door thanks in part to my actions today. But you know? I was/am literally about to go insane because of the phone, the workload, and the way they can treat me. I'm tired of allowing them to have a good chunk of control over me. Screw that! Who are they to judge me when they don't know very much about me at all? Who are they to treat me like I'm a piece of shit, when in reality they are the pieces of shit because they aren't mature enough to not pass judgement, not zip their lips and remain gossip free, and not be nice to the people who have to save their lazy asses every month. Of course, you know when I mention THEY I'm always referring to D. and G.
Sweet Jesus... If only God would give them what should be coming to them. Should I make the sign of the cross now? Should I knock on wood and hope Karma doesn't smack me in the face for thinking such thoughts? I'm a good person. I could be a lot better. I'm always shocked when people refer to me as a sweet, kind and caring person. A lot of people think I'm gentle and loving. I want to ask them, "what telescope are you looking through? I'm a mean witch thinking bad thoughts about two individuals who ridicule people, have disgusting habits, and make me sick to my stomach." Maybe I have the right to think these nasty thoughts about those two (as long as it doesn't consume me, of course), because they affect my week negatively in so many ways. I just hope that God helps me through this situation, and improves it for the better. I hope that the bad things that G. is doing is noticed by the higher uppers before it's too late to do something about it. And I hope that whatever comes to be, I find myself happy and content in the end.
How odd. I just asked my The Soul's Book of Answers what I need to do in this situation. This was it's reply:
There is nothing to do,
nothing to force,
nothing to want,
and everything happens by itself.
Words to ponder.......
