3:55 PM - Monday, Jan. 17, 2005
I love you Kissy Kat.
Everywhere I look reminds me of her from the strands of stray hair on the chairs and my bed to the way she tore apart my bookmark and dragged the purple strands all over the desk. I can't sleep in my bed. There's not a lump of furr at my feet keeping me warm. I can't go to the bathroom. She's not escorting me to the toilet. I can't go into the kitchen. Her treats are there, her food bowl is now gone, and she's not meowing in my ear for more food or water. I went to my sister's today because I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't sleep at all last night. I haven't slept all day. And when I came home, she wasn't at the garage door to greet me like she used to be. My poor kitty is gone. She's gone forever.
I can't get the image out of my head. I keep feeling her tugging on my shirt trying to get my attention. I remember tugging on her tail and patting her on the side but not listening completely to her needs. And when I got up and looked out into the hallway, she was lying in the middle of the hallway dead. I went over to her to shake her, see why she wasn't breathing... but she was gone. Her eyes were open, her mouth was open... and my kissy kat.. my companion.. my playmate... she was dead. Now I can't stand the hallway. All I see everytime I walk into the hallway is her lying there not breathing, my heart stopping.. and the realization hitting me that my furry little kitty wasn't with me anymore.
I called my grandparents right away. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't touch her. I couldn't look at her anymore. I wanted to pick her up and bring her back to life, but I couldn't. I was powerless. She was only 5 years old. She was just rubbing up against me, and now she's no longer there. I called my sister Angie. Both her, my grandparents and my sister Jenny came right over. My Grandpa took her out to his car. He was going to place her inside a box and we were going to take her up to where my parents live and bury her in the backyard with her favorite toy. The ground is too frozen though.. so my sister and I opted to have her cremated.. alone. She'll come back to me in seven days in a wooden box. When the ground warms up, I'm going to bury her then.
I took today off from work. I spent all last night bawling to the point where I got so sick to my stomach I was gasping for breath. Now I'm doing the same thing right now as I write this because I just got home a few minutes ago.. and when I walked into the laundry room and she didn't come running to the door to greet me and tell me about her day, I realized there was nothing in the world I could do to bring her back to me. No wishing could make her come running around the corner with her toy begging me to play with her.
I didn't play with her enough. I didn't brush her enough. I did tell her I loved her all the time though. And when she'd chew on the cords of this computer or on my glasses... or on the straws of my fast food drinks.. I'd yell at her to stop. Which always made me feel bad, but I didn't want her to electrocute herself, and I couldn't let her ruin my glasses... and now I fear maybe it was the plastic that might of done her in and killed her.
Oh my god. I want my cat. I don't want another cat. I want Ashley back.
