5:42 PM - Saturday, Jan. 22, 2005
If I had a million dollars....
Either I'm losing it slowly, or my dear dead kitty is haunting my house. I swear I keep hearing a distant meowing sound as if she's trapped in a closet trying to get my attention. I would think she was trapped, if it wasn't for the fact that my family took her remains to be cremated. Okay. My year old home is now being haunted by a cat I miss something terrible.
Today I went to my nephew Joe's 3rd birthday party. On the way there, what should happen to me? I hit a cat with my car. Of course, I'm the lucky one chosen to destroy the lives of another loving cat family by smashing into their beloved pet. And, of course, it has to be the week that my own beloved feline died... and it has to be the first time that I've ever hit a domesticated animal with my vehicle. What the hell is going on here?
I feel so much rage rushing through me right now that I would love to run out into the middle of a field and scream my head off. I would love to drink about 20 alcoholic drinks right in a row and go numb. I would love to go get gang banged by 10 men who don't give a shit about me so they can make me feel unworthy. Not only that, but I imagine that it must feel great jumping off a 5 story building and landing with a smashing thud into the concrete below. Not that I would ever do something like that. I may imagine it, but that's as far as I go where thoughts like that are concerned.
I still have 59 years left on this earth to experience shit. And it's not even shit worthy of being called shit. I mean, I haven't lost my home in a tornado. Knock on wood! I haven't lost my entire family in a tsunami. Knock on wood! I don't have AIDS or some pathetic sexually transmitted disease. Knock on wood! I'm not being abused by some moron who chooses me among other women because of my lack of self-esteem. Knock on wood! So what gives?
59 years. In 59 years I'll be 86. When I look at it like that, I think I better hurry up and start a family before I don't have enough time to see my children have children; before I'm too old to play with my grandchildren and appreciate them. Time is passing by far too quickly, and I'm still here floundering about like a fish lost at sea. And under no circumstances am I going to meet the man I'm going to marry by working for my father, nor will I meet him spending every free moment either at home or out with my family members. I'm not a very social person. I'm far too shy to rush out and join some random club just in hopes that I find some friends to go out and do random things with. And I'm in no hurry to jump back into the mainstream of bar hopping or attending parties where people spend far too much time bashing other people or hooking up with somebody just to give themselves physical pleasure for the moment. I'd much rather find a healthy group of people to go watch movies with, or play cards with, or... something. But the one group that I know that does things like that is a group that belongs to some Christian church. And under no circumstances am I going to join leagues with the "Jesus Lovers" just to stay clear of the ones who drink too much, have far too many sexual partners, and act as if life is one big party.
I often think that timing is everything. But then I also think that perhaps I romanticize the idea of timing far too much. I think too often about meeting a one and only, ending up married to a soulmate, and thinking that life will end up like the ending of some love story movie. But it's not like that. Life isn't a movie. It's not even a book. A person is lucky if they find somebody compatible enough to stand through the hard times and the good times. It's almost more important to look into ending up with a friend than searching your entire life for somebody whose going to make your heart go thump thump thump everytime you lay eyes on him or her.
SO I guess what I'm trying to say through all of this is that I think that the universe is attempting to tell me that I have no control over my life or anything in it. Things happen, whether they happen for a reason or not. There's nothing I can do to go back in time and avoid hitting that poor cat with my car. There is nothing I can possibly do to go back in time and save my cat from the "sudden death" syndrome some felines seem to suffer from. And there's nothing I can do about what's in store for me in the future either, job wise or personal.
And while I may still think that timing is everything, and that perhaps the right one for me will enter into my life when I least expect it, I no longer think he's going to strike me down with an intense desire. The most I can hope for is a friend who makes me laugh and enjoys spending quality time in my presence, a man whose going to be there for me to support me through the thick and the thin, one who will love me even when I grow old and lose my looks because when he looks at me he sees somebody he truly loves. Not some image of a person that he desires physically only.
I think, honestly... that this is the year that I transform myself. The past couple of years were spent trying to find my contentment and happiness, and searching for a glimpse of my old self in the process. Now that I've found the old me hiding underneath the cynical humor and I know I'm not immune to love (I learned that with the fear and feeling of loss I felt for my poor Ashley), it's time I focused on improving the things I don't care about in my life. One of them is changing my attitude and gaining some self-confidence so I can possibly find a job where people are more my age and they don't know me as the boss's daughter. Another is attempting to not take life so seriously, because I really do take it far too seriously. And the most important thing I hope to work on after I've found more self-confidence is finding a group of people like me to be friends with. And then maybe when I find that group of people, I'll find the right guy friend to settle down with.
But who knows? No matter how much I may hope for all these things, there's still a voice in the back of my head saying, "you're never going to get married. You'll never have children. You're going to die an old hermit all alone, perhaps shacked up in some house your parents bought with a bunch of cats. You'll never find yourself happy at work because you're far too scared to look for something that might possibly make you happy, and you don't think highly enough of yourself to see that you might actually have some skills that could pay off in the future, happy wise.. financially."
Which reminds me. My mortgage payments have gone up $400. What the fuck? Somebody out there is definitely trying to make me suffer an emotional and mental breakdown. How in the hell am I going to become financially independant from my parents if things keep getting more expensive yet my pay doesn't increase? Whose in charge of this country's inflation, and why in the hell are they always making it more difficult for people to rise above a poor situation? No wonder more and more people my age are choosing to live at home with their parents. We can't afford to keep up with the increase in costs for material goods. Not if taxes keep going up, and we continue to bring home less pay, yet must claim more money than we actually see in our own pockets.
This is a fucked up world, and I'm trapped right in the middle of it.
