9:58 AM - Monday, Feb. 14, 2005
I drank from the fountains.
Today is Valentines Day. A year ago yesterday I met David for the first time. I can't believe it's been a year since that moment in time when my life would completely change. Sure, I'm not with David anymore... but he pushed me in the right direction. I will always be fond of him for that.
Saturday I went to the movies with my sister Jenny. We saw The Wedding Date. Definitely a girl movie, but I loved it. It had a lot of nifty one liners that cracked me up. The only part that failed, in my honest opinion, was the development of the relationship between the two main characters. It was a cute movie, and you really felt their attraction for one another... but they needed just a little bit more of a punch to send that "falling in love" moment home. You could tell he was developing emotions for her, but she almost seemed clouded by the whole experience until the end when a vail was lifted from her eyes. And the moment when they were lying on the bed and he said some cheesey romantic lines - they would have fit into the movie better had you felt their love develop just a little bit more. Other than that, they did a great job and I'm definitely buying the DVD. It might have that love scene I'm missing.
I spent the rest of the weekend talking to Ryan and Cory on the phone. Ryan and I have this addiction for Aqua Teen Hunger Force and whenever I watch the cartoon, I have to watch it while on the phone with him. It doesn't seem the same without him laughing right along with me. We spent a good portion of Saturday night on the phone and chatting in the chatroom with each other. Most people don't seem to get our humor or something, because practically everybody thinks that we're a couple or something. And yet, all we do is diss each other or make fun of everybody. We're not all mooshy with each other or plastering our "belonging" to one another in our locations... so I really don't get where these people get the idea that we're together. Can a man and a woman not be excellent friends?
Also on Saturday night, Casey was in the room. Our conversation went something like this:
C: are you and uhm.. (Ryan).. uhm....
J: Ha ha! No. I've known him for years, and I've known his girlfriend for almost just as long.
C: are you seeing someone then?
(( Is there some vibe people put out that make people assume they're with somebody?))
J: No, not really.
C: Do you still like me?
J: Of course I still like you. I wouldn't talk to you if I didn't like you.
C: No, I mean, do you still like me in that way?
J: Do you still like me in that way?
C: Yes.
And the conversation went on for a little bit. I asked him about his ex Dee. He said they still hung out. I asked if they were intimate with each other. He said they weren't anymore. I told him in so many words that I don't want to get hurt by anyone and that I'm not about to invest my emotions into a relationship I'm not certain about trust wise. He asked me to call him on Sunday. I told him I would, but I didn't.
I felt bad about not calling him so I called him this morning. We didn't speak for very long.
Cory and I have been talking a lot more than usual lately. I mean, we normally talk at least 5 days out of the 7 day week, but lately he's been wanting to call me every day or night. And we don't just speak for about fifteen minutes and then hang up the phone, or spend two to three hours on the phone sometimes in the middle of the morning when I should be asleep. I'm not complaining. I love talking to him. I just wonder what's up because I'm not used to this much attention from him. He's respecting the fact that I need to get up and make it to work now so he normally calls before midnight or one now. And well.. it's just different now. It's almost as if.. well.. I can't explain it.
I'll try though.
Before, it was an intimately based friendship that was immature. I'm not talking about immature in the way that it was childish.. but a young relationship. Not to get metaphoric in a cheesey way, but it was a seed that was being nourished with water to which a flower was born and is now beginning to bloom.
We've been through a lot together, supporting each other through many life changes. And while we have faught and argued with one another, we've accepted our faults and flaws and worked hard at maintaining what we both feel is worth working hard for.
There are things I notice that I don't do with Cory that I often do with my male friends. I don't laugh as much or be silly. It's as if he stimulates my sexual and mental side while my other male friends, like Ryan, stimulate my funny bone. I'm not afraid to go to the bathroom on the phone with Ryan, to burp or pass gas. I'm not afraid to laugh like a chimpanzee on zoloft... or make disgusting eating noises as I'm chowing down on Doritos or something.. but I can cry on the phone with Cory to the point where I'm bawling my eyes out... and there are times when we might be silly with one another but he's such a serious guy that it's almost odd when we are.
And well... to get back on track here... he sounds different when we're on the phone now. It's almost as if he values me now, not that he didn't value me before. There's a tone in his voice, as if he's speaking softer to me, that I've only heard from men I've dated. Now, nobody can predict the future so I'm going to just see where this is going and cherish the fact that he's being more loving than normal.
I don't mind being single. If I wanted to be in a relationship, I would be in one. Life's about choices. People may sit there and complain that they don't have anybody and that nobody will love them... but if they really wanted to be loved so badly in a relationship kind of way... they would be in one.
Most people just aren't comfortable in their own skin. They think they have to be a part of a couple in order to live a fulfilling life. They assume that if they aren't married and tied down by a certain age that there must be something wrong with them. Nothings wrong with them. They just aren't ready to be in a relationship or they aren't ready to be comfortable with themself.
I, in particular, am a little bit of both. I'm working on being comfortable with myself. It's been years, but there is a huge difference between the person I used to be compared to the person I am today. I have mood swing moments where for awhile I'll be so down on myself that I'll feel fat, ugly and worthy of nothing wonderful... and then there will be days like today where I wake up and think, "Oh, I am actually happy today. I think I'll spend the entire day singing commercials in my head." And I can't help but smile and feel beautiful inside and out.
One thing I've noticed about the days when I'm feeling like a street bum is that it's normally during periods of high stress in my life. I was fine with life.. content.. a bit on the very happy side and then Ashley died. I miss her everyday. There are moments when all I can see is her lying in the hallway not breathing, the light of life gone from her blue eyes. And then there are moments when I see her curling up at the foot of my bed, chasing imaginary dust mites, posing pretty for me so that I may sketch her, waiting for me outside the bathroom door, following me everywhere.. and greeting me when I come home from work.
The last day I spent with her alive, I woke up out of bed and she was at the foot of it. She looked tired and haggard, but I felt tired and haggard myself. I kissed her on the forehead, ruffled around her ears and climbed into the shower. When I came out of the shower, she was still lying in bed. Normally she jumps up out of bed with me, waits on the dresser for me until I'm done in the bathroom. This day.. she didn't. I didn't think anything of it then, but looking back on it now, I see the signs. When I came back from the movies with Jenny, she greeted me, but it took her awhile to reach the laundry room. She looked shaken and tired then, too. And when I climbed onto the computer to play some games to pass the time away, she slept curled up against my desk when normally she'd sleep on the recliner in the office or lay on the back of my computer chair, her tail wrapped around my neck.
But I won't go any further into thinking about such things. They only make me sad and then I want to cry. It's almost a month since she died, and I plan on getting two more kittens. Not to take her place, of course, but to offer them a loving home. Plus, I am a pet owner. I need them almost as much as they need me.
Okay. Now that I've cleared my eyes and have forced myself to stop the tears from flowing...
Brian just brought me an article. It was out of the Wichita Eagle about how much people working in the service industry make. He wants me to read it and compare the yearly income of these jobs to how much I made last year. Basically, working for this company I make $2,000 less than a nurse would in this state - and that's minus all the stress the nurses have to put up with. Tomorrow, he wants to meet with me about my job to discuss these things.
Why, I don't know. Do they really want me around? Obviously they don't want me to quit or they wouldn't be arguing with me about money and other such things. Or would they? I have no idea. I'll just see what happens when tomorrow hits.
I just got off the phone with Casey. He sounds so freaking down and unsure of everything. I'm not going to be his emotional crutch. I won't say the things he wants to hear just to build his happiness level up. I want to ask him, "where were you when I called and told you Ashley had died? You said you'd call me back that day and you didn't. So don't get down on me for not calling you on a random Sunday afternoon to shoot the shit. I was grieving the death of my beloved cat, and you completely ignored that. If you cared about me.. truly cared about me the way you say you do.. then maybe you would have cared enough to call me to see how I was dealing with it."
Do I expect too much from people? I mean, if somebody told me they lost a beloved pet, friend, or worse yet.. family member.. I'd be there for them no matter what. If they needed me to call so they could cry I'd listen to them through their tears. If it took them weeks, months.. even a year to get over the death of this person or animal.. I'd give them that year as best as I could. I may have problems with death and may not always know exactly what to say, but most people when they are going through something like this don't need words. They need an ear. Did he offer me his ear? No. Is that not proof enough for you that he doesn't care enough? It's proof enough to me!
Well, enough of my rambling for the day. Happy Valentine's Day! Have a wonderful day with or without somebody else.
