9:51 AM - Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2005
dazed & confused
Last night I fell asleep in the middle of reading my book. For only a moment did I drift awake to hear Ryan's voice asking me if I was asleep and then telling me to go back to sleep. I must have obeyed. I don't even remember the phone ringing or what I said in response.
I slept on until almost 2 AM, waking up only to find that I really needed to use the restroom. I did this often throughout the night, or at least I think so. I remember going to the bathroom at least twice, whereas perhaps I imagined getting up and going to the bathroom more times than that. Was I dreaming or sleepwalking?
But when 2 AM hit, I lay back down in bed and tried to go back to sleep. For some reason, it wouldn't happen. My mind, so full of thoughts, ran in one direction to another as if trying to fit every thought I've ever had in the world all into one night. And for the briefest of moments, I wanted to scream, to silence the words that would not stop flowing.
As my mind drifted back and forth between these random thoughts, I couldn't help but think of the lyrics by Offspring. Sitting on my bed, lying wide awake. There are demons in my head and it's more than I can take. I think I want to run but I think it's kind of weak. Saying all I know is I wanna get away from me. I plan to fill as many of those thoughts up onto this page as possible... but I know I wouldn't even be able to cover 1/8 of them all.
So where does one begin, especially when one can't even remember where her thoughts began the moment they took over?
