6:28 PM - Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004
I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.
Yesterday, I went to see my shrink. She told me I was doing extremely well and that I have graduated to a "need to see" basis. She wants me to remain on Prozac for a year. Once a year is over, it's up to me whether or not to go off the pill right away. Eventually, I'll have to dwindle off of it and see where my emotions take me.
She asked me if I ever feel depressed. I told her that I have at times, but never like before. Now, it's almost as if I feel a sadness deep inside of me, but it goes away after I mentally drive myself into a more positive place. She asked me if I've had any negative thoughts lately. I told her no. But, the thing is... I have. I just don't think they're that important to bring up.
When I become sad, my mind drifts off to the negative thoughts I'm most familiar with. It's not because I want my mind to go there, but because it's really all I know how to do. A year ago, I was in the same emotional state as I am now. A year ago, I took a steak knife to my left arm and tore deeply into my skin. A year ago, I wanted to die and have this existence be over.
Sometimes I still think about dragging a knife along my skin or a razor blade across my wrists. The difference now is that I don't follow through with the need to hurt myself. I think last year I was so full of emotional pain that I needed to physically hurt myself to release the emotions. This time, when I've gone through the same emotional loss, I thought about hurting myself but something stopped me. The absurdity of it all wasn't even an issue last year. I wasn't right in the head back then. Now I am. Now I live through the emotion, but think rather positively that I can't suffer from them for too long.
She told me I was way ahead of many women my age. I told her, "It doesn't feel like it at all." She said, "But you have a good paying and stable job, a college education and degree; you own your own car and house. Most women your age can't say that." I replied, "Yes, this is true. But when I see women my age, I see them with a job, a husband, and a family. Most 26 year old women I know have established loving relationsips years before." I went on to say, "I know that I can't keep comparing myself to these women. But it's what I see everyday all around me. I know it's a Kansas thing, but that's where I'm at. In Kansas." She said, "The average age for women to get married and settle down is 30 something. In my opinion, your friends married too young. You chose a different path than them. You chose a path that is allowing you to find out exactly who you are before you settle down."
Later, I discussed my situation about David with her. I have never told her about David. She almost assumed I meant Cory when I told her I feared I attach myself emotionally to people to the point where I become way too dependent upon them. When she asked if it was Cory, I told her "No, this situation deals with a friend." You see, David wrote me an e-mail telling me that I was too dependent upon him emotionally. The first time I read the e-mail, I felt a bit offended. The second time I read through the e-mail, I respected him for telling me what aspects of my personality were in the wrong where he's concerned.
I knew deep down that to some degree he was right. I am lonely. He filled up the void. Now I'm back to being lonely. For awhile, I was angry with him for putting me there again. However, the rational realistic side of my brain argued with the sensitive and emotional side and won. "It's your own fault you're lonely. You need to invest into some activities to find friends again. You need to quit hiding from social activities. You need to be a friend in order to have a friend." And the shrink.. well, she almost told me the same exact thing. However, she said it like this:
"Jessica, you are very close to your family. You are a lot closer to your family than most people are to theirs. You've come to rely on your family. They have always been there for you, supporting you throughout your entire life. You expect the same support from any emotional relationship you develop outside of the family. The problem is, these people aren't your family. Most of them won't faithfully support you. The majority of people outside of our families come into our lives only for a certain period of time. There's always the chance that a rare few will be around for your entire life, giving you the unconditional support you've come to rely on from your family. But, and this applies to even our family members, every relationship is limited. Whether we develop a relationship with someone that lasts a day, 2 weeks, 5 years, or even 50 years, the relationship has a time limit on it. People come into our lives and then they go. Maybe they become too busy, or maybe we become too busy for them. Maybe they pass away. The point is, we can't expect people to be there for us 100% of the time. It's a part of life to make friends and lose them along the way. They may become busy with life and can't be there to emotionally support you in your time of need when you most need them. That's why it's healthy to develop more than one relationship. That way, you have other friends to turn too when you are in need of some support."
In other words, "Jessica, you need to make new friends but keep the old. Some are silver and the others gold." So, we came up with some ways for me to get out there and make new friends. I told her, "I've only been working on some of my small goals right now. I've been working my way up to the big ones. I wasn't ready to go out and socialize with people a month ago. The idea made me nervous. But I know that the nervousness is never going to go away, and that it's not really as bad as my mind tries to make it out to be. Not anymore." So, this summer... my sister Jenny and I are joining the YMCA. This is one good place to start building acquintances and friends. The girls in my family and I are going to take a summer class together. This is another place to develop some form of relationship with people outside of the family.
I'm thinking positively here. I know it won't happen in a day, but I'm hoping that over the summer I develop the necessary skills to become the people person I desire to be inside. I hope I establish real relationships with people that are built on stable and secure foundations. And I hope that by the end of the year, I can look back upon 2004 and see that not only had I accomplished my New Year's resolution, I also found my path to happiness.
Time will tell.
