11:38 AM - Tuesday, Sept. 20, 2005
I want a bad habit.
I want to take up some kind of habit. I don't know what. Coffee drinking? Smoking cigarettes? Drinking wine?
Oddly, I picture myself using these things to relax. If only I could be drinking coffee right about now... Except, I hate the taste of coffee. It's an acquired taste. I don't like the way cigarettes make your breath and clothes stink.. or how they may cause lung cancer and other health problems. And I know if I started to drink wine again, I'd abuse it. I'd drink until I was drunk. Then I'd drink until it no longer affected me and it took more to get drunk. And then I'd be spending all of my money on bottles of wine that would go down me like water flows down a drain.
I lay in bed the other night, stressed out because of school, stressed out because of work... and I couldn't sleep worth a darn. (I have a bajillion things to do lately.) My mind wandered off in a million different directions. I thought of Ryan, hoping he doesn't think I'm ignoring him. I thought of Cory and how he said he'd call this weekend but he never did. I thought of how cute Haley and Comet look curled up into each other when they're asleep. How the milk's gone bad and there's no more food in the cupboard. How nice it would feel to be having sex... dirty hardcore kinky sex.
And that's when I became overwhelmed with the desire to be sitting up in bed smoking a cigarette, or getting half-assed drunk off a bottle of Blackberry Merlot. I could actually smell and taste the cigarette as I breathed in - as if the smoke found it's way deep into my lungs. And I could actually taste the red wine, as if I were swishing the bittersweet liquid around in my mouth, letting it trickle slowly down my throat. But then again, I could also taste the sour-like-sweetness of some man's sperm, the feel of him pressing against my tongue and occassionaly slapping against my cheeks.
I never did fall asleep. I got myself up out of bed, took a shower, and watched Cartoon Network until it was time to make my way to school. I had to pop one of my old Phentermine pills to give me the energy just to make it through the day. I only took half of the pill, but I was bouncing on air and flying around as if I was on speed. My right leg wouldn't stop moving, and I had this nervous energy surrounding me through all three of my classes. By the time I made it to Curves to workout with my mom, I was floating. On only HALF a pill! My heartbeat was already racing, so working out made it that much more intense. I was sweating and my face was red after going around the machines just once. By the time I made it home after grocery shopping, I was still feeling overheated and underworked. But then I finally found my way into bed by 8:30 - only to wake up again around 11:30. And then I feel asleep again later on crashing until just now.
Ah, hell. I better get to work. I just realized what time it is.
