11:59 AM - Tuesday, Jul. 20, 2004
Peons, Friends, and Sex
Well, I hope the office peons are happy. They have done it once again. Sure, Erin is still my friend, but in order to maintain some sense of peace and stability around this place... we no longer go out to lunch together or speak much within the office boundaries. Her decision, not mine. (Or maybe there's truly something wrong with me?) And not only that, but if I go to lunch with my dad or B.I.L., I make the day difficult for everyone else because that causes them to treat the others like shit. Ce est la vie! I must remember my new Buddhist teachings and apply them to this situation. Oh, groovey. My mother has called and is going to take me out for lunch after her hair appointment. There is a God! (Well, of course there is! I just love that saying, is all.)
In other news, Jenny and Jeff have invited me over for dinner. Tomorrow night we're going to the movies. I think we're going to see Dodgeball. We were going to check out Anchorman, but we've heard terrible reviews about it so far. And Thursday night I've elected to babysit my niece and nephew for my sister. I miss them. I played with them on Sunday at the family reunion, but that wasn't the same.
I had the strangest dream last night. I can't remember most of it, but what I do remember featured Cory. He did something... what, I can't remember. I think it involved him being with another woman. All I can remember doing is yelling, "I can't believe you! I hate you. Get away from me." I know that he said he would call me last night, and he didn't... so I'm guessing that had something to do with the basis of the dream. As for the words of hate? Well, I don't know where those came from.
Ryan called last night. I always look forward to his phone calls because he entertains me. What's so awesome about him is that he doesn't take life so seriously. He helps me not take life so seriously, too... which is definitely something I need. He introduced me to this site Hollywood Bitch Slap, where I go by Sister Mary Jessica under the Forums - Off Topic Chat area. I'm the Nun all the bad priests want. You should check me out. I'm not only a religious nut, but I wear the sexiest habit in five counties.
Another person who helps me not take things so seriously is Casey. He called last night, too. We were both tired by that time, and I was ornery as hell. I'm sure the best of my smart ass abilities came out last night, which was pretty cool. I was beginning to miss them. He's going to call me again tonight, which, if he does, makes this the third night in a row. He didn't call on Saturday because he knew my niece was spending the night with me. He did call on Wed., Thurs., and Friday, though. I don't know what that tells you, but it tells me he's trying really hard to make-up for all those times he didn't call when he said he would. Oh, happy happy joy joy!
Anyhow, I want to make something clear. I know I go on and on about sex in a negative way, but just because I'm tired of being seen as a sex object by the majority of men I come across... and I'm sick and tired of my relationships revolving around sex... this doesn't mean that every man I speak with treats me as a sex object or enforces that our relationship is based merely on the subject. No. No. No. I have different relationships with different people.
Take for instance (and don't be upset if you aren't mentioned because I'm mainly listing people I've spoken too A LOT over the last six months):
Ryan - Our friendship has never revolved around sex in any shape or form. We don't even mention the word, unless one of us is joking and saying something completely rediculous about somebody else.
Ofer - Same here! Except, we don't sit around and make fun of the pope or Canadians or Kansans or whatever Ryan and I make fun of. We barely get to talk, but when we did it was about the ceiling being up, and how he is the coolest superhero to ever grace my presence.
Nic - He's so cute the way he tries to keep control of himself in order to respect me. I think it's amusing how I could be talking to him about politics, religion, or even off the wall stuff relating to nothing at all, and he'll be like, "My god, I like you so much." And you can hear it in his voice how he struggles to keep his composure. I've been very good about not teasing him over it... but I think my nonchalant attitude makes him struggle even more.
Chris - Sure, we're both perverts, and we are known to discuss various sexual topics at random... and there's always been some sexual tension between the two of us all throughout college.. and there was that one time we had sex... but for the most part he's one of my male best friends and he's done nothing but respect me and love me, as I respect and love him.
Davy - We're sexual by nature, and we both love to flirt... and that's why we get along so well with each other. It's the whole teasing thing. And while we tease each other, there's always that stimulation of both the mind and the body... but I totally trust this man with my mind, body, and soul. I know he would never hurt me on purpose, as I would never hurt him on purpose.
Casey - Granted, he and I have always had a pretty active sex life together. It's one of those things we can't control all the time when speaking to each other. But, the ironic thing is... this time around... he's making it a point to refrain from speaking about sex and having sex all of the time. He even said to me, "I want you to know that I'm not calling you just to get some. I actually like talking to you. It's never been about the sex."
and Cory - I've saved the best for last, here. If there is one "thing" I still desire (remember, I'm working on desiring nothing in order to end suffering thanks to the Buddhist religion), it would be Cory. All of him. Not just the sum of his best parts, but 100% of him. He is, and I feel he always will be, the one who can tame me or make me go wild. I've never been into the whole S&M or D&S thing, but with Cory... I want to be submissive. Even when I'm feeling highly aggressive and I want to take complete and total control over him, deep down I'm still submissive. And while it hurts me that he's having sex with other women, it's something I accept because I know if I don't, I won't experience any of him. Somewhere inside of me, I wish he could be strong enough to keep it in his pants and wait for me... even if it's just to prove to me that I'm worth waiting for. But I know that's what he would call a pipe dream.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!! Focus on the Buddhist ways. Do not think sad and negative thoughts. End this screwey suffering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay. Okay. Anyhow, to get back to the point... when I ramble on about sex and being seen only as a sex object, I'm going off on the men who assume that I'm going to hand it out to them when and if I ever speak to them, the men who continue to pressure me into it when I've repeatedly told them no, and the men who only want to speak to me in order to get some. And when I say stuff along those lines concerning my future relationships, I'm just saying that I don't want to end up with a man like that. If I did end up with a man like that, the relationship would be destined to fail sooner or later... and when I get into my next relationship, that is, when I'm ready for one, I want it to be a long term relationship that lasts the majority of the rest of my life. So, I hope that's cleared the whole sex thing up for some.
I must end this entry. I'm getting sick of typing. Ta ta!
