5:57 PM - Saturday, May. 29, 2004
Saturday.. what a day! Spending all week with you...
Man, am I tired today. But then I didn't get any sleep last night. My sister called me yesterday morning and asked me if Megan, my niece, could spend the night with me. So ... about 6:00 Megan comes over. We go to McDonald's for supper, and then head over to Freddy's Custard for dessert. While there, we run into Joe and Diane (Brian's parents) who are watching little Joe for Angie. So, the five of us have custard together. Then, Megan and I came back here and watched a movie. By the time we went to bed, it was 10:45 PM. I was afraid I'd get a random late night phone call from somebody that would wake her up, but fortunately for me that didn't happen. Ashley meowed like a cat in heat, though.. and that didn't seem to jar Megan awake in the least bit. Now, I love Megan, but she wiggles around in bed like crazy and plasters her body up against yours. And the child lets out heat, I tell you. She's like her own furnace or something. So every ten minutes I'm jarred awake by her wiggles and I'm falling off the side of the queen sized bed because she keeps pushing herself into me.. which is causing me to fall off. If that makes sense.
This morning, she wakes up bright eyed and bushy tailed at exactly 6 AM. I never get up at 6 AM. Not even on a work day! So we're hanging out this morning and she completely destroys my house. Angie and Brian brought over Lamars doughnuts for breakfast about 9:30. Then we all pile into Brian's truck and head up to my parents house for some 4-wheeling in their field. I ended up getting a lot of my book read, caught up wtih Jenny and Jeff about their trip to Europe (I wonder how Scott is liking it over there), and the Jeep is now back in my possession and sitting pretty in the garage. When I came home about an hour ago, I was able to take it out for a spin with the doors and top off. I'd still be out there at this moment but it's going to be storming here pretty soon.
Now back to yesterday.. and what a day that was. Oh my god. First of all, Cory ended up splitting his head open and had to be taken to the hospital where they put staples in his head. And second, I blew up at Greg about his lack of respect and his poor management skills. When I told my mother about it, she freaked out. She told my dad, and my dad said this, "She's got a right to yell. Tell her it's okay as long as she didn't cause a scene." Which, I didn't. Well, not in front of anyone but Erin. And it really wasn't that big of a scene. It was mainly me looking Greg straight in the eye and telling him in a polite manner what a cock-sucker I think he is. And all because the damn morons at work are so freaking frustrating they need to be taken out into a giant field, let loose and then shot by hunters. But you didn't hear that from me. No, sir.
Anyhow, my mother told me I was too emotionally involved in this office, and told me to look for a new job or go back to school. Given the fact that I now hate offices and their politics, I've decided to go back to school. I'm looking into career choices at the moment. Currently, master programs. If I can't find anything I like in the graduate degree program, I may just go back for another undergrad in just about anything that will get me out of the office mold. I asked her, "what about my house?" And she said, "You're dad will always take care of you. You know he will. He'll probably end up having too for the rest of his life." Which I took to mean, "Jessica, you're the lost cause of the family. You're not settling down and this worries me. If you don't find a husband soon, you never will... and only a man can take care of you." And I wonder why I have issues, especially poor self-esteem issues when it comes to taking care of myself and being totally committed to any relationship. Given that, and the fact that I was born and raised in Kansas where everything is 20 years behind everything else... and its so conservative that you might as well slap "Rush Limbaugh Followers" on over half the population's forheads.
I was reading a book, and in it.. the character goes to see a shrink. This shrink tells the girl that she has commitment issues because she used to be a man in all of her past lives. Maybe that's my problem, too? Maybe I was a man in all my past lives and now I can't commit because I'm not used to being a woman. As morbid as the idea sounds, it would explain a lot to me. Or maybe I have commitment problems because all the men I allow myself to connect to on an emotional level freak out in some way at the seriousness of the relationship and run away. Granted, I understand in the past I was dealing with a lot of emotional baggage - and who in their right mind would want to put up with someone who has too much of that? - but come on! What is so wrong with me now? I'm not ugly. I'm actually damn cute. And I have a sparkling personality. But no... I attract the strange men who come up to me in crowded plazas and try to get with me, or bang on my hotel room door or call my room number at odd hours to try to get me to have sex with them... or they think they're getting kidnapped by the Russian mafia in the middle of dinner... or think that just because I said hello to them when they were staring at me.. it suddenly means I want to let them into my house and let them bump and grind me all night. I don't dress slutty. I don't look slutty. I don't act slutty. I don't even really know how to flirt properly. I'm used to being around men and none of them amaze me to the point of speechlessness, so whatever it is I am doing to attract the morons in this world.. I want it to change now. Maybe I need to sign up for that new Swan reality TV show they have out so some professionals can tell me what's wrong with me physically (in looks and body language) and fix it.
I guess I'm just sick of being alone. I never thought I'd hear me say that. Over the past five years I've dealt with my inner fear and hatred of men. Given my past, I really don't blame myself. It's always been about men and sex my entire life.. confusing love with sex and sex with love.. and being emotionally and physically abused by men for sex. And the last three relationships I've been in have been with some really nice guys who made me not only happy... but made me want to be committed. But the first one freaked out and broke up with me, the second one I wasn't attracted to enough to stay with, and the third... well.. I guess he's freaked out, too. So what's so damn fucking freaky about me that I scare off the men I emotionally let in? Can somebody answer me that? Well? Can they?
And somebody else answer me this: Why in the hell do I blame myself when a relationship goes bad? What if it was the man's fault? Why do I still think things like, "If I had done this better.." "If I had backed off this much..." "If I was a better lover..." I want to FUCKING know! Am I too needy? Am I not needy enough? DO I think too much about this? Do they even think half of what I think? Do I emotionally attach myself to him at a far more emotional level than he does to me? Am I even capable of being loved? Why can't somebody fucking love me and just love me and not hurt me so damn fucking much? It's not like I hold a gun to any Tom, Dick, or Harry's head and force them to go out with me or anything. So what am I fucking doing wrong? And why does it always hurt so damn fucking much?
I was at my mom's today on the couch watching a movie for a bit of the time. The entire time I'm sitting there, I'm thinking about how nice it would be to have somebody I care about there with me. I'm thinking about stupid silly grins people only give to their significant other, the way they can sit next to each other and have their thighs touching and nothing else.. but still feel that intense electricity between each other. I'm thinking about kissing his forehead or his lips.. or resting my head against his shoulder. I'm thinking things I haven't thought of in five years! I'm desiring a closeness I haven't desired in those five years, as well. And I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh my god. What is wrong with me? Shut-up, Brain! Don't make me want this. Not now. Not ever." But the fact is, I do want it. I want it now. I want it more than ever. And I know... I KNOW.. that the next man I get into a serious relationship with is going to be the one because I can't settle for anything less anymore. As that one song by O'Town goes... "I want it all, or nothing at all." Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so.
And as for David? He's too confused about what he wants and therefore not ready to be fully committed to me in any true sense of the word. We're on a break from each other, but everybody knows that most breaks (especially long distance breaks) never pan out. And while I care about him deeply, I don't think he cares enough for me. At least, not enough for him to make up his mind about the next step in our relationship.. and I can't wait around months for him to figure out whether or not he wants to take that next step. And this really saddens me because he's such a great guy and losing him in any way is going to kill me a bit on the inside. Maybe it already has since it feels like I already have. I don't know. I simply don't know. I only have a slight idea what's even really going on where he's concerned and confusion always causes me to worry and become more sad...
And Cory... Cory... Cory... my dearest Cory... I hope you understand my need to release all of that at the moment. Tis better to get things off one's chest and out into the open than to keep it all bottled up inside. Right? When it comes to being friends, you truly are one of the best. Thank you... for everything you've come to mean to me and more.
So anyhow... I'm going to go wallow about in my self-pity here for a bit and cry me a river.
