3:07 AM - Monday, May. 31, 2004
It's 3 AM. I must be lonely....
I just had my very own epiphany of sorts. And in order for me to be able to fall back asleep, I have to write it out and let it free. So, here it goes:
Today I went for a drive in the jeep. I did a lot of thinking while I was out and about. I drove by my childhood home. A few weeks ago I found out it was for sale again. Ever since then, I've been thinking about driving by on a day when they have an open house and venturing inside. Nobody would have to know I grew up there. They could just assume I was an interested buyer. I want to know how much its changed over the last 10 or more years. Is my name still carved into the staircase in the basement? I once engraved "Jessie" into the wood, though I can't remember why. I know the house won't look exactly the same. My family had torn out the familiar red carpet of my childhood bedroom before we moved out of the home. Yet, some of my dreams still take place there, and it would be rather neat to check it out on the inside again.
After my jeep ride, I came home and took a long nap. I've been emotionally tired lately and really didn't want to deal with anything or anybody. However, about 7 PM my cousins call me. They're over at my grandparents' house. I ventured over there to visit my family (the one's who will always be there for me no matter what) and ended up with Jackie, Janna, and the kids at the park. We sat around talking about nothing in particular, which was really nice. I wonder if they could tell how emotionally tired I was, because they didn't press me about any of my life issues.
Afterwards, we ended up at my grandparents' house again. My grandpa's memory isn't the best these days and it frustrates the hell out of him. I told him tonight.. I said, "Grandpa, how can you say you're forgetting these things, when you remember to ask about forgetting them?" It was a bit confusing the way I asked it, but he understood me. Then I said, "I have a hard time remembering everything, too. Sometimes I forget somebody's name, where I left my car keys, that I have an appointment with some doctor somewhere. Maybe you're mentally blocking yourself from remembering. You keep saying you can't remember things as well as you used too, so maybe you're making it worse by just accepting the fact that you won't remember these things." And we had a long talk about his memory and how it's really not that bad for an 84 year old man. And then he said to me.. he said, "You know, Jessie... you're okay." And I said, "I hope I am, Grandpa." And he said, "You are." And that made my day.
Then I came home.. found out that I had missed a phone call from Nic. He mentioned me in his journal, which also helped improve my day. I loved to be mentioned by my friends in their journals. It's some egotistical thing of mine.. this being thought of. It feels good. Then, I made my way over to Davy's journal and he, too, had mentioned me. My eyes watered up knowing that at least two of my dearest friends were thinking about me just as much as I was thinking about them.
So anyhow...
This year, my New Year's resolution was to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and require the ability to know the difference. I'm still working on it, but then... it's only the end of May.
Here are some things I can change:
1. My job - I've even gone so far as to look at want ads in the paper and online, circling possible new job prospects. I've looked into something called a career builder to help me create a resume and figure out what my skills are. It's a start, if I do say so myself.
2. My attitude - I've had a piss-poor attitude towards many things lately, always looking at the negative side of things instead of the positive. While doing so, I've allowed myself to fall victim to some ego-maniac syndrome dealie. So instead of constantly worrying about myself and feeling this stupid self-pity, I'm going to attempt thinking of others instead. I mean, I should be more worried about starving Ethiopians, endangered species, abused animals, playing with my cat Ashley, helping people in need out, and doing good instead of wallowing about in my self-made misery. So this is a change I must make, not only to make myself happier.. but to get over it and on with it. Life wasn't meant to be so self-absorbing (in my opinion).
3. The way I've dealt with David and this break - I need to stop assuming things. Just because one man hurt me in a certain way, doesn't mean that all men who do the same thing are doing it for the same reasons. He needed a break. I gave it to him. Probably ruined our friendship in the process by calling him up all blubbery like and saying, "I can't do this!" I hope he still calls me from time to time. I hate the thought of possibly scaring him away for good. He still is my dear friend, and I'd love to hear from him again. As my mother told me tonight when I told her about the circumstances, "maybe in a few weeks he'll call and everything will be okay again." Ah.. my mother.. always the optimistic one. So.. one can only hope.
Some things I can't change:
1. David - not that I would ever want to change this man. The reason I like him so much is because of the man he is. However, I can't expect things to go my way all the time, and I need to let him free. So, I free him. I even imagine pulling out scissors and cutting the threads that bind us. In other words... "There'll be no strings to bind your hands.. not if my love can't bind your heart." I've taken all the CDs he's made me, along with the one letter I received... and I placed them inside the box he sent me full of rose petals. And into that box I placed an old poem of mine...
Into a box I placed you.I trapped you like photography,By caging your existenceWhen things aren't meant to be.
I've many questions to ask,Like, Why did you not wait for me?But questions go unansweredWhen things aren't meant to be.
So I had to learn to let go.It was hard to set you free.But moving on's the only optionWhen things aren't meant to be.
Are things meant to be? I don't know. Like my dad always tells me, "time will tell." But for now into a box he goes. The cool thing about boxes is that.. even when everything escapes, there's still hope. After all, that was what was left in Pandora's box, was it not?
2. Who I am - I'm an emotional and sensitive person. No matter how hard I try to be a strong individual, I will always be this overly sensitive woman whose emotions rule her. It's what makes me who I am, and I have to accept that. If Cory can accept who he is.. a passionate man driven by his energy... then I can accept that I am who I am based upon the sensitive aspects of my personality. It's probably what helps me be the people person that I am, and the writer that I love being. How could I want to give up two things I desperately love about myself? If you took away my sensitive nature... I wouldn't care so deeply. So as of this moment, I accept my sensitive side. Hopefully this will help me deal with my emotions when my hormones get the best of me. I do need to work on that.
You know.. when I used to get paranoid.. I'd feel frustration. Now when I feel paranoia coming on.. I sing to myself, "Paranoia. Paranoia. Everybody's coming to get me." It's a little "inside" joke I have with myself. The Offspring song thus makes me laugh at myself and I go back to being calm again. I just had to throw that tid-bit in there.
Anyhow, I wanted to call David up and tell him sorry for my recent behavior, but I'm not going too. I hope he reads this instead. If he wants to keep in touch with me, he'll contact me. I'm going to leave him alone now like I promised last week. And like I said in an emotional ramble yesterday morning into his voicemail.. "I just hope that whatever is keeping you away is making you happy." And I mean it. I hope he's happy.
And like I told my mother.. it's just hard to go from talking to somebody every single day knowing them on a personal emotional level to not speaking to them at all. Which is the first time I've ever spoken to my mother about something so personal in my life before. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this was meant to bring my mom and I closer together. Maybe I'm learning I can't keep everything bottled up inside anymore.. and the more I reach out to others, the more they'll lean into me in return. Just maybe... eh?
